Penny's ADC

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Experience description:

To begin with, his was a planned suicide.  Kevin killed himself a matter of blocks from our home in a borrowed car.  The night he died, he brought me all his money and a suicide letter addressed to me, therefore, I knew what was going to happen.  I immediately went looking for him.  I (frantically) drove to his office, hotels, bars, anyplace I could think of where I might find him.  No success.  I repeatedly paged him and his best friend as well.  Finally, at midnight, his best friend called me & told me he was at a bar and that he'd just left him and not to worry. I explained the note, etc to him & he insisted that Kevin was fine and was going to the office to sleep - he just needed a little time.  I hung up the phone, determined to go to that bar & get him, and started putting my socks & shoes on, hurrying to leave.  All of a sudden, after putting one sock & shoe on, I got extremely sleepy and could not hold my eyes open.  I could not fight it.  I tried to stand and literally fell back to the couch.  The next thing I knew, I woke up and the phone was ringing.  It was 5:30 am & Kevin's best friend was telling me he was dead.

I took the news really hard.  After all, I knew where he was the night before and what did I do?  I fell asleep!  I was devastated and at the same time, suicidal myself.  I could not bear what I had done.  My house was full of people (family & friends) surrounding me with their love and support.  Knowing the circumstances, they were afraid to leave me alone.  That night, I drove to the office with a couple of friends and moved alot of files and documents I felt I needed to my house.  I insisted on driving alone so my friends followed

me.  I got what I needed and on the way home, I started crying and prayed aloud to God to give me some answers.  I prayed that if I could only talk to Kevin one more time, I could make it.  Otherwise, I could not bear to live another day thinking that I could have saved his life.  I prayed the hardest I ever had and begged God to let Kevin come to me and answer my questions. 

The next day, at exactly 10:00 am, suddenly I found myself alone for the first time since Kevin's death.  Everybody had either gone to the store or ran some other type errands and were temporarily gone.  As I was walking across the kitchen floor, something stopped me dead in my tracks.  The only way to describe what hit me was the movie "Ghost", where Patrick Swayze enters Whoopi Goldberg's body and she jumps.  All of a sudden, something came over my entire body and being and I knew I was not alone ... in my mind!  It sounds weird but it is the truth.  But the part that is even stranger is that I knew immediately what was going on.  Don't ask me how - I just knew.  The feeling that overcame my body was the most peaceful feeling that I had never felt.  My mind was like it was floating and I had the most intense feeling of peace and bliss that tears were streaming down my face.  It was so incredible and overwhelming that I can only describe it as holy.  At the same time this happened, my communication with Kevin began, he was inside of me.

We communicated telepathically and I could hear his voice in my head.  I could not hear his voice orally, just in my head, but I heard his voice.  For some reason, I also knew that I didn't have much time with him.  I spoke first and said, "Is it you?", and he said very softly, "Yes it is".  We started talking and his voice would be very soft at times and then emphatic at other times.  When I asked him if I had gone to the bar and brought him home, would it have made any difference, he said "No, I would have waited till you went to sleep and left again.  There was nothing you could have done, it was supposed to happen that day."  I asked him if he had found peace and he emphatically replied YES.  I asked him if he was with God, and he very softly said yes.  I asked him if he knew that I loved him and he said yes.  He asked me if I knew that he loved me, I said yes. Then, he was gone.  Just as quickly as the feeling came over me, it went away.  As I stood there feeling this unbelievable feeling of peace, bliss and elation, I knew that it was real and that God did exist and there was a Heaven on the other side and that is was better than we could ever imagine or comprehend.  I stood in my kitchen, fell to my knees and continued to cry.  My tears were a mixture of joy and awe, because I felt a miracle had just happened.  God had answered my prayers.