with, his was a planned suicide. Kevin
killed himself a matter of blocks from our home in a borrowed car.
The night he died, he brought me all his money and a suicide letter
addressed to me, therefore, I knew what was going to happen.
I immediately went looking for him.
I (frantically) drove to his office, hotels, bars, anyplace I could think
of where I might find him. No
success. I repeatedly paged him and
his best friend as well. Finally,
at midnight, his best friend called me & told me he was at a bar and that
he'd just left him and not to worry. I explained the note, etc to him & he
insisted that Kevin was fine and was going to the office to sleep - he just
needed a little time. I hung up the
phone, determined to go to that bar & get him, and started putting my socks
& shoes on, hurrying to leave. All
of a sudden, after putting one sock & shoe on, I got extremely sleepy and
could not hold my eyes open. I
could not fight it. I tried to
stand and literally fell back to the couch.
The next thing I knew, I woke up and the phone was ringing.
It was 5:30 am & Kevin's best friend was telling me he was dead.
I took the
news really hard. After all, I knew
where he was the night before and what did I do? I fell asleep! I
was devastated and at the same time, suicidal myself. I could not bear what I had done. My house was full of people (family & friends)
surrounding me with their love and support.
Knowing the circumstances, they were afraid to leave me alone.
That night, I drove to the office with a couple of friends and moved alot
of files and documents I felt I needed to my house.
I insisted on driving alone so my friends followed
I got what I needed and on the way home, I started crying and prayed
aloud to God to give me some answers. I
prayed that if I could only talk to Kevin one more time, I could make it.
Otherwise, I could not bear to live another day thinking that I could
have saved his life. I prayed the
hardest I ever had and begged God to let Kevin come to me and answer my
The next day,
at exactly 10:00 am, suddenly I found myself alone for the first time since
Kevin's death. Everybody had either
gone to the store or ran some other type errands and were temporarily gone.
As I was walking across the kitchen floor, something stopped me dead in
my tracks. The only way to describe
what hit me was the movie "Ghost", where Patrick Swayze enters Whoopi
Goldberg's body and she jumps. All
of a sudden, something came over my entire body and being and I knew I was not
alone ... in my mind! It sounds
weird but it is the truth. But the
part that is even stranger is that I knew immediately what was going on.
Don't ask me how - I just knew. The
feeling that overcame my body was the most peaceful feeling that I had never
felt. My mind was like it was
floating and I had the most intense feeling of peace and bliss that tears were
streaming down my face. It was so
incredible and overwhelming that I can only describe it as holy. At the same time this happened, my communication with Kevin
began, he was inside of me.