friend passed away with me by her side. She had been diagnosed with cancer only
a month prior and I was on the other side of the country
when I heard how ill she was. It
took me 16 hours to get to her - all this time her husband kept telling her that
I was coming.
did not believe that she would be able to hang on, but she did.
I arrived and an hour later she passed away.
She was in a
very bad way when I arrived - not conscious so I was unable to talk with her.
The whole time I was traveling I kept talking to her asking
her to hang on and wait until I could get to her. I knew that she would be so
scared for her kids (she had 4 - all of which were my god children) and
I was terrified that I
would not be able to tell her that I would look after her children - I was so
scared that she wouldn't hear me say
When I did arrive, I kept telling her that I would look after her
children, that they would be OK - that i loved her and
she shouldn't be scared. I tried to
help her relax and take away any terror she may have been feeling. After she had died I
could not come to terms
with the fact that I had not gotten to speak with her.
I felt so bad that I didn't get there earlier - I was
thinking that she did not hear me and she would have died being terrified
for her children. It was eating me
I also found
her death incredibly hard. I felt as though my life were over too. I was
devastated. I felt cheated - like there was so much left
unsaid and unfinished.
Approx 2 weeks after her death, I had a dream.
This was strange as I was taking Xanax at the time
which had been
prescribed by a doctor only a few weeks before for anxiety.
He told me that I would sleep very well and not dream.
was very vivid. In the dream, I came into a room and found Angela lying on the
floor. I immediately went to her
rolled her over and
placed her head in my lap. I said
out loud "she is dead", She then opened her eyes and looked at me and
the most amazing smile
that communicated everything instantly. there were no words spoken by her - but
I knew that everything was alright.
When I woke,
I remembered the dream in every detail. She
was wearing a particular pink coat that she had worn to my 21st birthday
and her hair was long
(which it hadn't been for quite some time). What struck me was the peace that I felt.
I still grieved for her loss
but even now, I know it
was a message for me. She was fine.
I may not have been fine, but she was absolutely OK. She had heard me I know
that now. She
heard all that I told
her and she was at peace knowing that her children were as important to me
as she was and that
they would always be
with me. I don't know how I hear what she said because there were no words - but
there was communication and
I have taken great comfort from
that ever since.