Shelley's ADC

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Experience description:

My best friend passed away with me by her side. She had been diagnosed with cancer only a month prior and I was on the other side of the country when I heard how ill she was.  It took me 16 hours to get to her - all this time her husband kept telling her that I was coming.

The doctors did not believe that she would be able to hang on, but she did.  I arrived and an hour later she passed away.

She was in a very bad way when I arrived - not conscious so I was unable to talk with her.  The whole time I was traveling I kept talking to her asking her to hang on and wait until I could get to her. I knew that she would be so scared for her kids (she had 4 - all of which were my god children) and I was terrified that I would not be able to tell her that I would look after her children - I was so scared that she wouldn't hear me say the words.  When I did arrive, I kept telling her that I would look after her children, that they would be OK - that i loved her and she shouldn't be scared.  I tried to help her relax and take away any terror she may have been feeling.  After she had died I could not come to terms with the fact that I had not gotten to speak with her.  I felt so bad that I didn't get there earlier - I was so tortured  thinking that she did not hear me and she would have died being terrified for her children.  It was eating me up. 

I also found her death incredibly hard. I felt as though my life were over too. I was devastated. I felt cheated - like there was so much left unsaid and unfinished.  Approx 2 weeks after her death, I had a dream.  This was strange as I was taking Xanax at the time which had been prescribed by a doctor only a few weeks before for anxiety.  He told me that I would sleep very well and not dream. 

This dream was very vivid. In the dream, I came into a room and found Angela lying on the floor.  I immediately went to her and rolled her over and placed her head in my lap.  I said out loud "she is dead", She then opened her eyes and looked at me and smiled the most amazing smile that communicated everything instantly. there were no words spoken by her - but I knew that everything was alright.

When I woke, I remembered the dream in every detail.  She was wearing a particular pink coat that she had worn to my 21st birthday and her hair was long (which it hadn't been for quite some time).  What struck me was the peace that I felt.  I still grieved for her loss but even now, I know it was a message for me.  She was fine. I may not have been fine, but she was absolutely OK. She had heard me I know that now. She heard all that I told her and she was at peace knowing that her children were as important to me  as she was and that they would always be with me. I don't know how I hear what she said because there were no words - but there was communication and I have taken great comfort from that ever since.