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Amber B's ADC

Experience description:  

My father had been diagnosed with Colon Cancer about 2 years prior to his death and communicated with me his medical state throughout his illness.  I was most inclined to allow him to talk about his impending death were as other family members were still having difficulty with acceptance.  We spoke open and honest about his diagnosis and his expectations.  I had planned with my family to celebrate Thanksgiving early as I knew my father was not doing well and would most likely not make it to Thanksgiving.  Two days prior to my fathers death my mother called and told me that my father was not doing well and wanted to speak with me.  I told him I would change my flight to a week from this date and he told me he would most likely not be there.  I told him I would see what I could do.  I got in the car within the hour (midnight) and drove straight from Ocala to Kansas only stopping for gas.  I called my mom from Tennessee on my way and she told me I should come home - I told her I was half way there.  I father was ver glad.  I arrived that evening and when to see my father in his bed (he was unable to walk or get up at this point).  After talking to him - he and I were both very tired.  I told him that I would like to have more time to talk with him the next day and asked if he would still be here.  He thought about it and told me he would.  I said if he needed to go before then I understood.  

That night my mother came to the living room and tried to wake me - crying saying that she could not wake up my father.  I was exhausted and went to the room with her.  She went to his side and started hitting his chest telling him to wake up.  He finally woke and said "what".   

The next day I had time to talk with my father.  he seemed very different from the day before - he seemed to be 'glowing' and peaceful.  My Father told me to remember 2 things that were very important:  "Learn, learn, learn" and "Always say you are sorry, it is very important".  That day as we talked I told him about my daughters and told him that they were at a good point in their lives and that everything would be fine with our family.  I said to my father - if he could maybe he could flash the lights on his way out to let me know he was off on his journey (which is what we started refering to his dying as) He looked at me with mock disapproval and smiled (I was under the impression that it was a no, I told him I wasn't asking him to break the lights - just a little flash and we both laughed.  I told him he did a great job getting my mother to a place of acceptance - etc.  That night My mother, Mothers 2 sisters, and my two brothers were all in the house.  That evening I walked into my fathers room and saw my mother and brother and father watching TV - I walked into the kitchen and told my little brother that we should all talk to dad for a while.  We all gathered in his room and spoke one after the other - saying our goodbyes, knowing this was the last time we would speak to him in life - then my mother instisted that we all get some sleep and said we could all talk to dad again tomorrow.   

My mom said to my father that we would all see him tomorrow - to which he said "nope".  She then said "you'll be with me tomorrow - right" he said nope.  She said "Well, Your staying with me tonight - right.  He said yes - he looked at us kids and smirked.  (my understand was his expression meant - that my mother wouldn't understand the difference). That was a common dynamic in my family - that my father was always joking and my mother was a little slow to cath on or at least pretended to be slow to catch on.   My brothers and I both knew my father would pass that night.  We all decided to stay the night - my mother convinced my oldest brother to go home (10 minutes away) as he was starting a new job the next day.  My younger brother and I slept on the couch in the living room. 

During this last day - I had a strong sense that my grandfather (deceased several years prior) was present in the room. (This grandfather was my mother's father but he and my father were great friends and I father was his sounding board when he, my grandfather, was dying of leukemia.   He considered my father his son)  Several time his name was brought up by other people. 

At around 3 am my brother woke me up saying that Dad was leaving or gone.  I told him we needed to go and be with my mother (who was sleeping next to my father).  We went into the room and calmly woke up my mother. (Later when I asked my brother how he knew about dad - he said "Dad - - woke me up, I am not saying he physically walked into the living room and woke me up but that - he - woke me up".  My brother had a difficult time telling me that as he is not at all open minded about the after life or "strange" experiences.  My family would be considered conservative and are not inclined to talk about things you don't see with your own 2 eyes.   

Immediately following his death - I looked at my fathers body and felt no connected to "it".  I thought where are you dad and had an overwhelming feeling of "elation",  "unconditional love"  very incongruent with what I felt or should feel - the feeling just overwhelmed all other emotions - almost like erased or overpowered everything else.   

After comforting my mother and speaking with my brothers.  I felt robotic and thought - what do I do now - Kind of like direct communication not via words but not my thoughts almost like instructions from someone:  

- I needed to find a piece of paper and a pen - and had no idea why.  I need paper and a pen - I went into the kitchen while hospice and everyone started to arrive.  I got my paper and pen and thought - what am I suppose to do with this - immediately I knew I needed to write a note - a note to who - to the "coffee group". (my father always met with a group of friends at McDonalds everymorning for coffee - I had gone with him maybe twice and wasn't really part of the group - his friends would always joke I was too young to be included) OK and what am I to write - "Coffee is on Dennis this morning thank you all for your friendship" - OK - I wrote it.  Anything else - A short note at the bottom saying that Dennis - my father passed away peacefully in his sleep that morning.  Now what -

I don't even know what time McDonalds opens - 6 am - OK well how much money - I don't even know how may people are in the 'coffee group' $10 will cover it - they all get senior coffees.  OK - so I headed to McDonalds and spoke with the manager who was waiting outside the side door when I parked - I asked him to give them the coffee and note for their table when they all arrived.  I was about to leave when I decided to get me a coffee - so I ordered 3 large coffees for myself and my aunts - then when I ordered I also ordered one small coffee - had not idea why - I drove home and put the coffees on the table.  My mom looked at the coffees - and I told her a the same time I realized it "The small coffee is for you" - My mother told me that my father always brought her home a small coffee when he came home for the coffee group.   

For the entire day and 2 days after, everytime I would wonder how my father was doing on his 'Journey' - I would have the same feeling of elation and unconditional love - I could not feel sad or scared for him or upset.  I thought - this is so out of left field and so unnatural but the feeling was so strong - with the answer "this is just a small percentage of what the real experience is like".   

That night my mother told me that every time she would think of Dad - she had the strongest feeling of peace, love, elation, that had started at the time of his death.  I told her I was having the same experience and also told her that I had asked Dad prior to his death to flash the lights to let us know he was on his journey and relayed the rest of the discussion.  That night as we sat in the kitchen the light closest to the door when out and another light went out the following night while we were in the kitchen - the third night another light blew out - I took the bulb out and it was indeed blown - I put the blown bulb back in because I wanted to see how may more lights would go out - the next night the last bulb that I had examined went back on. 

When I returned home - I searched the internet to see if anyone else had an experience of unconditional love after the passing of a loved one and found nothing with my search until I saw a show on Netflix tonight about Shared death experiences.

Was this experience difficult to express in words?  Yes

The feeling of unconditional love and manner of 'communication' or knowing

Did you hear the deceased or hear something associated with the deceased?          Yes

            Describe what you heard, how clearly you heard it and what was communicated:            Difficult to explain, didn't really "hear" - but It was just instantaneously communicated - not really a voice.  I was kind of responding with questions as in the narrative above and the answers where just a natural flow of information.

            Did the voice or sound seem to originate externally or outside of you, inside you, or did you not hear a voice or sound, but had a sense of knowing what was communicated?      Just a sense of knowing but almost in communication back and forth - as soon as I thought a question there seemed to be an answer.

            If you heard a voice or sound, was it similar or dissimilar from the voice or sound the deceased made when they were alive?           N/A

            Is there any possibility what you heard was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?           No

            Was there any possible impairment to your hearing at the time of the experience?   No

Did you feel a touch or experience any physical contact from the deceased? No

Did you see the deceased?         No

Did you smell a distinct smell, scent, fragrance or odor associated with the deceased?      No

How long did the experience last?        3 days

Was the beginning and end of the experience gradual or more sudden?         gradual fading

Could you sense the emotions or mood of the deceased?           Yes

Love and elation

Did the deceased give you information you did not previously know?  I believe that the night before my father passed that he had a NDE (when my mother was not able to wake him for several minutes).  His final day - he had a different appearance about him - he seemed to glow and was more alert and calm.  He said to remember 2 things that were very important:  "Learn, learn, learn" and "Always say you are sorry, it is very important".

How do you currently view the reality of your experience?           Experience was definitely real

            Please explain why you view the reality of your experience as real or not real:           I understand that people sometimes feel disconnected or robotic during times of emotional distress.  This experience was qualitatively different.  Feeling instructed to get a paper and pen and write a note, I was looking for pen and paper I did not know why but the answers came immediately when I needed them not before and I just acted on faith that my actions would have purpose not with the intended purpose (if that makes sense) - the experience above was completely different.  Also never in my life have I had feelings so strong as the unconditional love / elation that followed this experience.  My mother's validation that she was having the same feelings also lent validation to my own experience.  Additionally, I was not influenced by the reading of prior accounts.  I had heard of NDE and had read some on this topic but had never heard of a Shared death experience.

            Was the experience dream like in any way?   No

Describe in detail your feelings/emotions during the experience:           unconditional love / elation

Was there any emotional healing in any way following the experience?           Yes

To this day, I do not fear death itself, separate from the death process.  Although I no longer feel the strong love or elation, I remember this feeling when I think about my father and where he is on his journey.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?      Best - feeling and the reassurance

Worst (?) loss of my father, some confusion about the experience - thinking I was insensitive to the loss of my father - feeling elated after his death.  But the feeling itself did not let me hold the feeling of shame or of being insensitive - hard to explain.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?         Yes                 Describe:            Slowly - making changes to focus more on others and less on myself.

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?
   Yes     Stronger conviction to live more for others and be less self focused.

Did the experience give you any spiritual understandings such as life, death, afterlife, God, etc.?   Yes     I contemplate my father's words about - learning and forgiving and struggle to put this into practice.  This experience in combination with losing my Father makes me search for meaning within my own life.

Death Compacts are when two or more living people promise among themselves that whoever dies first will try to contact the other(s).  Have you ever made such a compact?   Yes

Yes with my Father the day prior to his death I asked him to flash the lights to let me know he was on his journey - after a disapproving mocking look - I told him I did not ask him to break the lights - just to flash them - and we laughed.  I really did not think that he would.  I told my mother about this comment prior to the light going out. I had not made this request so much for proof of life after death but for reassurance to me that he was ok and on his way.

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?     N0 response
What emotions did you feel during the experience?            gradually fading after two days -  unconditional love / elation

Was the experience witnessed or experienced by others?           Yes

My mother had the same experience and confided in me prior to my mentioning my own experience.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   No

Not outside of the norm for an emotionally traumatic time.

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?    Yes

Only in the sense of What was communicated upon my comments - e.g. My amazement at the strong feeling of unconditional love / elation and the response - this is just a small percentage of what the real experience is like.

Did you become aware of future events?       No

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?  Uncertain

I had an episode where I was having symptoms of TIA strokes and had gone to the doctor - had tests that showed nothing.  Woke with issue resolved - told my husband that my symptoms were gone completely after about 1 week.  Unknown to me my estranged grandmother in Colorado had been having TIA strokes for the week and then had a massive stroke to the brainstem at the time that my symptoms resolved.  

Have had dreams that have had significance also but I rarely follow up with results as I chose not to know the results.  Most of 'dreams' or experiences are medically related.

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     No

Did you meet or see any other beings other than the deceased?            Uncertain

There was a strong presence in the room of my departed grandfather the day prior to my fathers death.  At the time my grandfather was dying he told my father he would save him a spot on the bank next to him to fish when he got to heaven.

Did you see a light?           Uncertain

After what I feel was my fathers NED the night prior to his death there was a glow in him or in the room or both the last day of his life.  I never mentioned this to my family so am not sure if anyone else had this experience.  My family as I mentioned is not very open to talking about such experiences.

Did any part of your experience seem to occur in a place other than the location described above?          No

Have you shared this experience with others?        

Yes     Varied.  I still feel the need to be reserved about sharing - fear of being judged.  But I also feel compelled in some ways to share - for example we just had a friend pass away and I wanted to share with him this experience but his belief system did not seem receptive so I never did tell him about it.

Have you shared this experience formally or informally with any other researcher or web site?            No

Only with open minded friends privately.

 Is there anything else you would like to add regarding your experience?       I was greatful to hear about Shared Death Experiences as it does help to alleviate any guilt I felt with regard to my feelings following my fathers death.  Also it is nice to be able to put a name to the experience to put it into a context.

Were there any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience? No

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No 

Did you ever in your life have a near-death experience, out of body experience or other spiritual event?       Uncertain 

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?                     Yes