Debbie Q's ADC

Back to:

Individual's ADC Stories
ADCRF Home Page

Experience description:

I have been married to my husband for 18 years but had never had a bond or  closeness with his mom. she called me ten months ago, and told me she had metastatic cancer, i immediately realized she was terminal. she had three children, my husband, his brother and a sister all in their 40s maybe it was denial. i tried to tell them time was limited. the doctor had a policy of never telling a patient they were terminal and my husband's family always puts all trust in doctor. i kept begging them to spend time with her.  finally my husband accepted it maybe in February, but was looking for alternative treatment. i went to see her and stayed May 31st. i took her to the doctor.  he walked out. i confronted the nurse and asked if everything i had read on line was true and she was eligible for hospice etc. i was told "yes of course."

it's like their mom let go, said she was so glad i finally showed up. hospice was started. she became unresponsive. her kidneys etc shut down, 2 of her children were wanting to call 911 or something to fix her. i guess they all three couldn't face it, she died peacefully June 5th out of pain and suffering.

i fell asleep that night. she immediately started conversations up with me, all night explaining things no one ever knew its still going on. she had one grandchild she always neglected. she explained she was seeing her own little fat self and her own inadequacy and low self esteem at that age. no one ever knew. my husband went thru a box of pictures after i told him and he said this is the picture of herself she was describing, it was exactly as she told me.

i can be taking a bath or doing anything thing like this keep going on she gives me messages for her children but don't communicate with them . i got the closeness with my mother in law i always had wanted for years during the very week i knew i had to let go. by now i'm exhausted its like she has told me things in her life no one knew but we verify them etc. we are making up for that 18 years of not being close, but i've asked her to give me a break and talk to them. she said she can't. they didn't understand they wanted to be selfish and prolong the agony etc. i am now more her child than her own children.

i have cared for many terminally ill people in my life and had an occasional hearing or felt a presence but nothing of this proportion. This is the strangest thing i've gone thru in my life. it's not scary at all, we are mother and daughter at last. but i need it to stop, its wearing me down, its going on two weeks now. Have you ever heard of something like this before from someone? I'm telling her children where she wants her plants planted and telling them where stuff is and what jewelry to give to the granddaughter she had her conflict with. i love her so much now but she babied her children and don't want to burden them and she knew i've been thru actively caring for terminally ill patients most of my life. i felt and seen some of them but this is just too much for me, i guess in time it will fade, i was only sorry to get our bond and then to let her go out of love fight her kids, tell them no feeding tubes etc no hospital please let her go she's in agony. they are all in shock, any suggestions?

Was this experience difficult to express in words?  No

Did you hear the deceased or hear something associated with the deceased?          Yes

            Describe what you heard, how clearly you heard it and what was communicated:   all her final wishes in detail, her regrets and failures in her life her pride in her children though she admitted to sheltering and protecting them too much. what to tell her granddaughter what to give her the disappointments she has in my husband that her and i both know but i wish she would deal directly with him. she is still sheltering him telling me what she wants him to do etc

            Did the voice or sound seem to originate externally or outside of you, inside you, or did you not hear a voice or sound, but had a sense of knowing what was communicated?  these are normal conversations like sitting at a table with someone and talking over your life your failures your achievements etc, Sometimes I'm asleep. sometimes I'm awake and a feeling with wash over me like waves. my husband took off 2 days ago to gamble. he is like her husband who abandoned her, he went to gamble. waves of disappointment came over her she said too much like dad no good will come. i should have went and stopped him but i didn't. he went thru all the money we had. couldn't stop said he wished i would have told him. i told him when he came back about the disappointment.  he said oh my god, i didn't know what happened. went out of control spent bill money you should have came and got me. she needs to tell him directly. it was the first time he ever went that far out of control and when he got back it. i told him his mom came to me said very bad things out of him taking off and doing this. he listens to me always now what i tell him, but why do her own children get to rest, they've had no problems at all just continuing on in their life. I shock set in reality hasn't i grieved for ten months knowing and begging them to be with her, they just cant get over the fact she died so "quickly" to them in a couple of days. I tried to tell them ten months ago they tuned it out

            If you heard a voice or sound, was it similar or dissimilar from the voice or sound the deceased made when they were alive?           exact same tone of voice just like we are sitting together talking nothing different except the waves of grief unspoken i pick up from her at times

            Is there any possibility what you heard was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?           no possibility at all no way

            Was there any possible impairment to your hearing at the time of the experience?   no i am am hearing loud clear and precise directions instructions etc

Did you feel a touch or experience any physical contact from the deceased?            Yes

i was held and told i was loved very much she was sorry for the years we weren't close and was so grateful i came to get her out of it.

            Was the touch familiar or unfamiliar?   not sure but extremely comforting what id wanted over the years. And id already told my husband his mom would be fine my mom died 3 years ago and came to me in a dream said she will be all right and there will be lots of rainbows. her clinic was a rainbow clinic the street right next to where she lived was rainbow drive, she had rainbow sheets on her bed, signs to me from my mom.

            Was anything communicated by the touch?  a mutual feeling of getting the love and closeness and bonding at her last few days and then having to say goodbye just when we finally formed it. maybe this is why is still so much ongoing.

            Is there any possibility what you felt was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?  none at all

Did you see the deceased?         Yes

looked perfectly normal her hair was on her head again that she had lost from chemo but just normal every other way but she was so much happier and carefree

            How clearly did the deceased appear?            totally solid

            How much of the deceased did you see?       all of her except under her dress, she was clothed

            Did the deceased appear or not appear to be the age at which they died?       approximate age but in happiness 20 or 30 years lifted off like a mental face lift or something

            How healthy did the deceased appear to be?            totally covered in yeast infection from thighs to what remained where her breasts had been. this was totally gone. before her death you couldn't touch her anywhere without extreme agony that's why i kept telling her children let mom go please.

            Is there any possibility what you saw was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?           none at all

Did you smell a distinct smell, scent, fragrance or odor associated with the deceased?      No

Could you sense the emotions or mood of the deceased?           Yes

ever since i got there she was putting on a front for her kids and i knew it, i said you are not going thru this anymore, she  then relaxed became incoherent non-responsive but was in no pain or suffering at all totally relaxed and at peace

Did the deceased give you information you did not previously know?  telling me to find a certain picture to explain why she could not deal with grandchild kelly. i told my husband we looked and found it

How do you currently view the reality of your experience?           Experience was definitely real

            Please explain why you view the reality of your experience as real or not real:          this has been happening to me since i was legally declared dead a few minutes in my 20s. I was there. i was sent back I know for a fact death is just the beginning, I wanted to stay but a young man i had cared for waiting on a heart transplant about 25 when he died had died previously. a year before i had status epilecticus? over and over till everything stopped on me. He made me come back said i had to

            Was the experience dream like in any way?   No

Describe in detail your feelings/emotions during the experience:           I am so happy i got the bond and love id always wanted but was very sad that just in the week i got it i had to be strong and love her enough to let her go. I know there's an afterlife, I will see her again

Was there any emotional healing in any way following the experience?           Yes

for her and i both it was a definite healing thing between us. she didn't quite approve of me my husband is much younger and we never had children her and i both knew that was the problem of developing a closeness we both knew he should have married a younger woman and had a child. We are now splitting up over mainly the age difference. i told him it would happen someday but now his mom is begging me to make him stay with me but i wont

What was the best and worst part of your experience?      getting the bond i always wanted and approval, the worst was overstepping my boundary being only an in-law confronting her medical team and than have to deal with her natural children wanting to put mom in hospital with i.v.'s to prolong agony, cause they were in denial. Even after talking with hospice nurse they kept wanting to call 911 and have ambulance put mom in hospital to get her better. its gonna take months before they grieve because they wouldn't listen to the terminal word last year, too much shock on them now, But i had to fight them except my husband, it wasn't my place but her own children wouldn't deal with it so i did it for her.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?         No

Did the experience give you any spiritual understandings such as life, death, afterlife, God, etc.?            Yes

I have finally quit having a nightmare my mom died then waking up and wanting to tell her and then realizing the nightmare is real, my mom promised she would be fine, I now know they are looking down and at peace after difficult lives

What emotions did you feel during the experience?            i've had some confusion, why isn't she communicating with any of her 3 children but in a way i understand. She babied them, I know i am stronger than them. In time maybe they will get over the denial and shock and they will have some form of contact,

Was the experience witnessed or experienced by others?           No

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?         Yes

I am scared to ask for anything out loud in this house it always show up every time like i have a genie in a bottle it has me nervous, very conscious of making no bad wishes, this is just related to material objects so far that i had no access to and they show up every time in strange ways

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes

My husband knows i communicate with those i have cared for but he knows this time is the most factual and real and ongoing and he believes whatever i tell him totally, Nut we cant tell his sister and brother much about that

Have you shared this experience formally or informally with any other researcher or web site?   No

 Is there anything else you would like to add regarding your experience?       have you ever heard of this communication going on for weeks day and night, i have jokingly told her mom i need a break but its 2 weeks now day and night.

Were there any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?            No

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No 

Did you ever in your life have a near-death experience, out of body experience or other spiritual event?           Yes 

when i had the seizures over and over i went there and back i have had numerous out of body events occur

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?               Yes

you asked if i made a pact with anyone to come back when we both died. my mom did with my stepfather but i've had no idea what happened between them when they died, i guess i'll always be curious if that is possible. My daughters have asked me not to come back and talk to them like my mother-in-law is doing to me. i told them i would try not to but there's no guarantee. They said it would freak them out. They don't realize its a healing and comfort thing not something to be frightened of.

Please offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire.    can't think of anything. I think its a great web site.