Some years earlier, I don't remember just why, but Lani and the boys stopped by our house one day while our husbands were at work. They were both police officers. I had not really liked Lani in a friendly way, but was not unkind nor impolite. On this one occasion we shared coffee and we visited. For the first time, I had enjoyed her company. She must have felt comfortable too because that was when she shared with me that just before she was due to get out of the ARMY, while on night guard duty, she had been overpowered from behind, in the dark, and was raped. She never knew who her attacker was. After the rape, Lani discovered her pregnancy. She kept the baby.
On the day Lani committed suicide, she had taken both young boys to the babysitter telling them that Daddy didn't want them or Mommy anymore, he wanted Sherry. Mommy was going away and the boys would never see her again. Of course the little guys were sobbing, begging her not to go. But she left them at the babysitter's and drove back to their home. When she returned home, she called her mother in California. She didn't tell her mom what she planned to do, but her mom was so frightened by the conversation that immediately upon hanging up, she phoned Lani' psychiatrist here in town. The psychiatrist called the police, who immediately were en-route to Lani' home.
In the meantime, Lani trashed their home, destroying all wedding photos, things of Sam's, Sherry's things, slashing furniture, etc. Next she went into the bathroom with a kitchen knife and began slashing at herself, her neck and wrists, but not lethal cuts; but enough to leave a bloody trail everywhere she went. She next went into the garage and inserted a rag into the opening of her car's gas tank, lighting it on fire. But the rag burned out without reaching the gasoline. Next, she fashioned a noose out of a length of rope, tied it to the car, got up on the car, threw the rope over a rafter, slipped her head into the noose, and jumped off the car, hanging herself and dying of asphyxiation. The police and paramedics arrived to find her barely alive, hanging by her neck from the rope. She was transported to a local hospital that is also a head trauma unit, was put on life support, and Sam was informed that Lani was brain dead, her body kept alive by machines. He needed to take some time and decide what he wanted to do. (Two days later, when organ donation matters had been completed, he elected to have life support stopped.)
Sam's parents lived within 200 miles of here, and were en-route immediately after he called. Sam and his parents spent the night cleaning up the house Lani had trashed. They didn't want the little boys to see any of it. Around 2a.m. they were finally finished. Sam gave the master bedroom to his parents and he decided to sleep in one of the boys' beds. Just as he was getting into bed, he became aware he was not alone. His eyes were drawn to the top of the wall where the ceiling joins and he saw a ball of bright, pulsing light. He immediately recognized the energy as Lani and he could feel her rage. As he stared at the ball of light, it traveled very fast as if to collide with his head, but it veered off at the last second to go past his face and disappear through the wall.
It was a couple years after Lani' suicide that she came to me while I was asleep. I found myself standing in a misty place. I knew there was a solid surface beneath my feet, but I could not see or sense any walls or ceiling. Out of the mist walking toward me came Lani. I was so happy to see her again, and I remember thinking to myself during the vision, noticing her mannerisms, the way she used to toss her hair, for example. She was as real to me as I am at this moment. I greeted her, saying how good it was to see her again. No hugging, we hadn't been that close in life. She said, "There is something you want to ask me." I was so glad she had brought it up. I asked her, "I wonder if at the time, you wished you could undo your decision, if you changed your mind after it was too late." Lani thought for a moment, tossed her hair back over her shoulder and answered, "I was pretty mad back then. But it's ok to be where I am now." I couldn't get over how real she seemed, all the little things I had forgotten about here were remembered as I looked at her. I just said I was glad to hear that. Then I woke up. And all my sadness and inability to let go of her just melted away. I easily let it all go because I knew Lani was safe and ok with herself.
I have not had another visitation from her since.
Length of time between death of deceased and your experience: A couple years.
Details of location of experience and your activity at the time of experience: A vision while I was sleeping. Not a dream.
Degree of bereavement for deceased immediately prior to the experience: Moderate sadness and/or grief feelings
Degree of alertness immediately prior to experience: Asleep
Have you had multiple experiences? Yes Several, maybe ten.
Was this experience difficult to express in words? No
Did you hear the deceased or hear something associated with the deceased? Yes
Did the voice or sound seem to originate externally or outside of you, inside you, or did you not hear a voice or sound, but had a sense of knowing what was communicated? Originated outside myself, I was standing with Lani conversing.
If you heard a voice or sound, was it similar or dissimilar from the voice or sound the deceased made when they were alive? Her voice was EXACTLY as she had sounded.
Is there any possibility what you heard was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience? No. It was the dead of night, my husband was sound asleep beside me. No TV or radio on.
Was there any possible impairment to your hearing at the time of the experience? No.
Did you see the deceased? Yes Lani looked exactly as she had in life. She even wore the same glasses.
How clearly did the deceased appear? She appeared very solid.
How much of the deceased did you see? I could see her entire body, her feet were a bit covered by the mist.
Did the deceased appear or not appear to be the age at which they died? The visitation was within a couple years of her death, and she appeared the same age.
How healthy did the deceased appear to be? She appeared in perfect health, and I sensed her to be perfect.
Is there any possibility what you saw was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience? No.
Could you sense the emotions or mood of the deceased? Yes Mostly unemotional, but that is how she was in life.
Did the deceased give you information you did not previously know? Not really. She didn't directly answer my question, which I found rather odd.
How do you currently view the reality of your experience? Experience was definitely real
Please explain why you view the reality of your experience as real or not real: It had a solidity to it, it was an event not a dream. There is a difference.
Was the experience dream like in any way? No
Describe in detail your feelings/emotions during the experience: Happiness to see Lani again and see that she was ok. Curiosity to know the answer to my question. A little disappointment that Lani did not give me a very definitive answer. Put at ease with regard to the sadness I had known re Lani' suicide.
Was there any emotional healing in any way following the experience? Yes
All grief and sadness was released.
What was the best and worst part of your experience? The best--knowing Lani was ok. The worst, her seemingly evasive answer to my question.
Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience? Yes
Describe: I am at ease knowing a suicide is not 'damned' as is preached.
What other attitudes and beliefs about your experience do you currently have?
Affirmation of life after death.
Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience? No
The experience only confirmed what I had suspected was true.
Did the experience give you any spiritual understandings such as life, death, afterlife, God, etc.? Yes
It solidified and enhanced what I had already thought. I believed in life after death from my own experience, but my NDE was the result of an accident, not a deliberate action. I was comforted to know that suicides find God and peace.
Death Compacts are when two or more living people promise among themselves that whoever dies first will try to contact the other(s). Have you ever made such a compact? Yes
With my grandma. We promised to return to the other, give a sign. After Grandma's death, I watched for a sign for a year or more. No sign came, so I let it go. Then I noticed a tiny carved donkey that was placed on the edge of a picture frame high up on my bedroom wall, kept falling off. There was NO WAY it could be bumped because it is close to the ceiling. But it kept coming down for a period of some weeks. Then it stopped.
Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later? No
What emotions did you feel during the experience? Relief, Lani was ok after all. Suicide actually do have a positive after life, they are not 'damned' as is being preached from the pulpit. I never agreed with that kind of thinking, and after the visitation, I knew I was right.
We were standing in a 'nowhere' place, like standing of terra firma with dense fog, except there was no fog between Lani and I. She appeared to me as she walked out of the fog.
Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience? No My psychic self was unchanged.
Have you shared this experience with others? Yes My husband right away, and a couple years later, after Sam and Sherry had married, I told Sam.
Have you shared this experience formally or informally with any other researcher or web site? No
Is there anything else you would like to add regarding your experience? My husband was calmed and comforted by my experience. He had known Lani too and her suicide had really upset him.
Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience? No
Did you ever in your life have a near-death experience, out of body experience or other spiritual event? Yes Please see NDE registry #314.
Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes
Please offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire. No suggestions at this time, I think the questions were quite thorough and worded in a non threatening way.