In the early morning of August 29, 2011, my brother Tommy hung himself.  We were close, he was one of my best friends.  3 years prior, my brother in law had hung himself.  One of the things I kept thinking was "why did you do it the same way?"  August 29th was horrible, hearing of his death, identifying his body, and then going to his apartment where he had died and reading the letter to us and going through some belongings.  I was overcome with grief to say the least.  I had seen him the week before at a BBQ to celebrate my dead brother in law's birthday (the one who had committed suicide) it was there that I last talked to my brother. 

I went to sleep the night of August 29th, very upset, very confused and very hurt by his suicide.  In the early morning hours I had this dream: 

I was pushing a grocery cart and realized my 4 year old son had put a toy gun in the cart and we hadn't paid for it.  I was mad at him for trying to "steal" the gun so I said we have to bring it back inside.  I went inside and saw a woman pushing a cart, whom is the mother of another child at my daughters dance class.  She had 13 children with her. (I am the youngest of 13 children) I saw a man sitting in a chair with a grocery cart in front of him (we were not in a store, just a whiteness all around us).  The man looked familiar and I knew it was the husband of the woman I saw with 13 children, but I didn't know who he was.  I brought him the toy gun and said "My son took this" and I put it in his cart, which had a bunch of roses sticking out of the front of it, between the little metal bars. He was sitting so that he could reach the front of the cart.  He pulled out a rose to give it to me, and the head fell off, this happened a couple of times until he got one that didn't fall apart, he gave me 3 roses. He was very patient with the roses and had a smile on his face the whole time. I thought how healthy and serene this man was.  Then he hugged me and kissed my cheek and said "I am so proud of you".  When he hugged me, the feeling was overwhelming of love, peace, joy...it is beyond words.  It felt almost like I rose up in the air and into this bluish, pinkish, purplish light that was shining down right on me.  The feeling was so WONDERFUL, nothing I have ever experienced on this earth.  

Then I was in a different room of white with my brother, Tommy, and I thought he had taken pills to kill himself so I was desperately trying to call 911.  When I called 911 (after failed attempts to dial it correctly) I finally got a lady who kept asking me stupid questions like "What color is the wallpaper of the room you are in?" and I knew she was stalling, so my brother would have time to die.  I was screaming that he took pills and was going to die.  My brother said "You have to let me go, I had to do it this way (the hanging that he had done in real life) because the pills weren't fast enough." 

Then I woke up because my baby started crying. 

I laid in bed for a second, still wrapped up in that beautiful feeling. My body literally felt different, as if I had been in heaven or something.  Then, in my head I heard my brother say to me "Faye, you know that feeling you felt when Dad was hugging you?"  And I was shocked to realize that was my father who had died when I was 2 and I had not recognized him because there are very few pictures of him. My brother went on to say "Well, that feeling you felt for a moment is how I feel every moment now"  "Don't worry about me, and let me go, I finally get to play ball with my dad".  I busted out crying and my brother was gone and my husband woke up and I told him what had just taken place.  The feeling continued with me the whole morning while I planned my brother's funeral.  I even told the priest of what had happened to me.  I feel it was a gift my brother and father (and God) sent to me to help me through my brother's death.  After a month or so I could no longer really conjure up that feeling exactly anymore...I remember it now, but I can't "feel" it any longer.  I remember as the feeling faded I was really sad because it was such an extraordinary feeling and it cannot even be fully explained with words.

Background Information:

Date of experience:           August 30, 2011

Length of time between death of deceased and your experience:          about 24 hours from my brother's death

Was the date of the experience significant in any way?     no

General geographic location of experience:  Hillsboro, Missouri

Details of location of experience and your activity at the time of experience:  Sleeping in bed, then awake in bed

Degree of bereavement for deceased immediately prior to the experience:     Severe sadness and/or grief feelings

Degree of alertness immediately prior to experience:         Asleep

After your experience, did you consider the contents of your experience:       Wonderful

Have you had multiple experiences?   Uncertain      Was this experience difficult to express in words?          Uncertain

What happened is easy to explain, but the feeling of love is beyond words to fully communicate.

Did you ONLY sense an awareness of presence of the deceased without actually seeing, hearing, feeling or smelling them?           

Yes

Did you hear the deceased or hear something associated with the deceased?          Uncertain

            Describe what you heard, how clearly you heard it and what was communicated:    It was in my head, not out loud, but I heard it somehow.

            Did the voice or sound seem to originate externally or outside of you, inside you, or did you not hear a voice or sound, but had a sense of knowing what was communicated?  inside of me

            If you heard a voice or sound, was it similar or dissimilar from the voice or sound the deceased made when they were alive?           it was definitely my brother

            Is there any possibility what you heard was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?           no

            Was there any possible impairment to your hearing at the time of the experience?   no

Did you feel a touch or experience any physical contact from the deceased?            Yes

in my dream I felt my fathers hug and kiss

            Was the touch familiar or unfamiliar?   it was familiar

            Was anything communicated by the touch?  The love, joy, peace feeling.  Like a feeling of "wholeness"

            Is there any possibility what you felt was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?  no

Did you see the deceased?         Uncertain

Only in my dream.  My father looked very healthy and happy.  I understand he was very sick most of the time the last several years of his life and was in bed a lot.  He never looked good or happy in any picture I ever saw of him.

            How clearly did the deceased appear?            Solid

            How much of the deceased did you see?       all

            Did the deceased appear or not appear to be the age at which they died?       They appeared to be the age of when they died.

            How healthy did the deceased appear to be?            My dad appeared very healthy, but for some reason he was sitting and I knew he was not able to stand, I don't know why.

            Is there any possibility what you saw was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?           no

Did you smell a distinct smell, scent, fragrance or odor associated with the deceased?      No

How long did the experience last?        the dream is hard to say, the experience when I woke up was maybe 30 seconds.

Was the beginning and end of the experience gradual or more sudden?         it was sudden

Could you sense the emotions or mood of the deceased?           Yes

I could tell my father was at peace and was truly proud of the help I had tried to give my brother.  I could tell my brother was wanting me to understand that I was not to be sad, and I could feel that he had finally gotten what he needed. (by dying)

Did the deceased give you information you did not previously know?  I think in my dream my brother was trying to tell me that he hung himself because it was faster than pills.  I had been even more hurt that he had done it this way, because my brother in law had also done it that way.  I feel he was trying to explain why he chose to do it the same way.

How do you currently view the reality of your experience?           Experience was probably real

            Please explain why you view the reality of your experience as real or not real:           I have a very analytical mind and have a hard time having "faith".  Although I am Catholic and I love God, I still have times where I have doubt for some reason.  I do think it was real, but it wasn't "real" like anything on earth is real.

            Was the experience dream like in any way?   Uncertain

Part of it was a dream, part was not.

Describe in detail your feelings/emotions during the experience:           I felt like a child being protected by my father.  After my dream and during the time with my brother talking in my mind, I felt sad that my brother was leaving me, but happy that he felt he needed to explain to me that he is okay.

Was there any emotional healing in any way following the experience?           Yes

I felt that he was in heaven, not hell for committed suicide.  I felt that he was "reborn" and was getting his life with his father this time.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?      The best part was the feeling of overwhelming love, and my brother telling me that was our dad.  The worst part was leaving and the feeling fading away.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?         No            

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?   Yes     I feel like I have more of a belief in the after life now.  I was always WANTING to believe, but now I feel like I really do.

Did the experience give you any spiritual understandings such as life, death, afterlife, God, etc.?            Yes     It told me that there is no love on earth like what we will experience after we die.

Death Compacts are when two or more living people promise among themselves that whoever dies first will try to contact the other(s).  Have you ever made such a compact?        No

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          No
What emotions did you feel during the experience?            I felt extremely happy for my brother to be in heaven with our father.

Was the experience witnessed or experienced by others?           Uncertain

My husband was sleeping next to me, and when I woke & had the interaction with my brother,  I immediately told him what had happened.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   No

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?    No

Did you become aware of future events?       No

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?         Yes

I could "feel" my brother with me at times.  Literally feel that he was in my car, or in my house.  I could also feel when he was no longer with me there.  I also feel he communicates with me through songs...I've asked him "why this or why that" about things going on in my life and a song will come on immediately and it makes me laugh because it is like he is answering my question.

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     No

Did you meet or see any other beings other than the deceased?            Yes

I saw both deceased, brother & Father, and then a beautiful woman I see sometimes at dance class.

Did you see a light?           Yes

It was beautiful colored light shining down on me when my father hugged and kissed me.

Did any part of your experience seem to occur in a place other than the location described above?            No

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes     My husband, who only recently said he is no longer an atheist, cried when I told him what had happened.  My husband is no longer atheist, but still not sure what he believes about God.  My priest told me not to focus on it, but accept it and move on.  I got the feeling he didn't believe it was real.

Have you shared this experience formally or informally with any other researcher or web site?   No

Were there any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?            No

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No 

Did you ever in your life have a near-death experience, out of body experience or other spiritual event?           Yes 

I had an out of body experience when I was 15 having back surgery.  I rose out of my body and was looking down at the anesthesiologist (who was Asian, so I recognized him) lifting me off of the operating table and putting me onto a rolling bed. I remember thinking the surgeon should have done it for some reason.  I've had many spiritual events, and I'd be happy to tell those stories over the phone, but don't have time to write them all down.

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?               Yes

Other than explaining the "feeling" of love, etc...there are no words to describe that feeling.