Experience #614 description:  

26/12/03 - The saddest day in my life! Toby, my beloved husband passed away all of a sudden at the age of 40 on 26 December 2003. This is written in retrospect; I was too shocked and beside myself to be able to do anything. I was left alone on this earth from this day onwards. Put it more correctly, Toby died today and with his passing away, I too died although Im still physically existing on this earth. There is no more life for me and I dont want any life, I just want to be with Toby but I dont know where to find him.

6/1/04 - I came back to work yesterday. I was sorting things out in my boss office while he was meeting with another partner in his office with the door closed. It was when I was going through his things in his desk drawers when I heard the sound of a man sighing. It resembled so much the way my boss likes to sigh that my first response was to look up to see if he had come back into his office but there was no one in the office and when I got out of the room, there was no one at my desk either and my boss was still in the other partners office with the door closed.

14/1/04           - It was the day when my dear Tobys physical body was to be cremated. Davina, one of my best friends, went to bed early that evening at around 10:30pm.  Stephen, her husband, was the only one staying awake late watching the financial news in the sitting room with the head phones on.  Both Yiu Yiu and Ching Ching (her two sons) were asleep in their rooms. All of a sudden, Stephen caught a glimpse of someone walking from one of the bedrooms of his sons into another but all he could see was a leg in a grey trouser; he didnt see who it was. He then got up and went into the bedrooms to check if either of his sons was up but they were both asleep and were not wearing something in grey.

19/1/04 - in Vancouver, my niece Yoyo dreamed of Toby that night and the following was her email to me about her dream:- I tried to phone you, but haven't been able to reach you. I had a dream on the last night before I left Vancouver. I wanted to tell you about it personally, but since I couldn't find you, I decided to put it in an email. That night I went to bed quite late, and fell into a deep sleep quickly. I didn't even realize I was dreaming at first (you know sometime dreams can be so real). I was just walking around by myself in the dream, in some sort of social gathering, with people chatting to each other in small groups. I wasn't sure why I was there, since I was not with friends, so I just walked around for a bit. Then I saw Toby from a distance.

He was chatting with some people, gently and laughingly, as his usual self. At first, I forgot in my dream that he'd already passed away, so my first reaction was only, ah, Toby is over there... Then after a while, I began to remember Toby actually had passed away recently. And just as I had that thought, he approached me and tried to speak to me. Suddenly I felt an enormous physical strain and pressure, as if someone took me by my neck, and pushed me under water. With this huge pressure on my body, I found it even hard to breathe. And I was wondering, oh yoyo, is this the feeling one has when communicating to a deceased person? As I was struggling with this pressure and strain, Toby was yelling aloud by my ears, 'Yoyo, YOU HAVE TO TELL JACKIE TO BE BRAVE, AND TO STAND UP!' He yelled this to me over and over again. At first I couldn't respond because of the pressure on my body. Then I tried with all my strength to yell back, 'Toby, we've been trying to tell her all along. We've been encouraging her all the time! You shouldn't be this worried!' It was only after I had convinced him that I've been saying the same thing, and will continue to do so, then he let me go. After I gained my breath again, I immediately asked Toby, 'But why, did you not talk to Jackie in her dreams? She is waiting day and night for you to talk to her!' Toby sighed and said, 'How could I? How could I talk to her when she's scattered all over the place? She needs to put herself together before I can approach her...'Either my dream ended here, or it faded away slowly, since I couldn't remember the rest. I was in a half-asleep, half-awake state right after the dream, and I was thinking to myself that I must tell Jackie about my dream.

When I woke up the next morning, I could still recall my dream. I found it hard to believe. I'm usually not a superstitious person, and do not truly believe in spirits and things like that, that's why I'm amazed I had such a dream. The amazing thing is that the dream was so real, that I feel strongly it was a message from Toby. I'm not quite sure what to make of this dream, but thought I would like to share with you.  Maybe it's my overwhelming desire for you to be strong and brave, that I had this dream. Or it is a real message from Toby. I don't know. In any case, I'm sure it's the wish from everyone who's closest to your heart, including Toby, including Grandma.

20/1/04           - Early in the morning, Anita, also one of my best friends, was sorting things in a corner of her sitting room. Her husband had already left for work, Condessa her maid had gone to the market and both her daughters were still asleep.  All of a sudden, she heard the sound of someone sighing.  The sound was so distinct that it startled her and she turned round to see if her elder daughter was up but was startled to see no one and when she went into her daughters bedroom, both were still asleep.  Anita said the sigh was so clearly heard that there could be no mistaking at all.

5/2/04 - Chan Chi Wai, a close friend of Toby for years, came to see me and told me that he dreamed of Toby three times. The first two were simply ordinary dreams but the third one he kept saying it was kind of strange as Toby appeared very vividly in his dream, that he saw him face to face within very close range, he kept saying that Toby looked so beautiful in the dream, the way he kept saying it sounded as if he found it so difficult to comprehend why Toby could be so beautiful. The way he described it shook me severely as it was exactly the same as so many others ADC experiencers described their deceased family members or relatives who came back to see them, and just like them, Toby, as described by Chan Chi Wai, is so beautiful, so full of brightness in the way he looked and so much younger. There is no way Chan Chi Wai could have created this as I had not told him anything about what I had seen in the ADC website, nor did he know how other experiencers have found their deceased relatives. The way he described Toby in his dream made me feel that this must be a real encounter with Toby instead of just having a mere dream.

10/2/04           - After weeks of waiting, I finally dreamed of Toby last night, in fact, I should say it's early morning today when I dreamed of him, don't know if it's real but this is what happened.  I fell asleep at around 10:30 to 10:45 and slept soundly until at around 2:45 or 3am when I woke up.  I thought of a lot of things and didn't seem to be able to get back to sleep once my mind became occupied. I stayed awake in bed for quite some time. I then sort of fell asleep but definitely not soundly, or more correctly falling asleep just on the surface (don't know if you understand the way I express myself)...I started dreaming or I thought I was dreaming...at first I was with some other secretaries in our firm (not my close friends though) and I don't know why I was with them, then suddenly I was inside a train or on a bus (not sure) and Toby was sitting right next to me, physically the same as he used to be.

His mother seemed to be next to me too on the other side but I didn't seem to hear her say anything at all throughout. I started asking Toby why he was there, had he not already been cremated? and he told me somehow there was a mistake and they didn't cremate him. I was very contented to be with him, I held on to his arms and kept kissing him on the face as I used to do and I was thinking to myself "ah, he lets me do this, if it had been in the past, he wouldn't have let me do so in public places, something Toby was very strict about". The next thing I remember is that I had to go back to the office and he told me that he would go and take a look at the stock market instead. I then went back to the office but as soon as I got back, I was mad with myself "why bother about work, I should have stayed with Toby".  I immediately tried to call him. When I got to the phone, it rang and it was Dad and I told him I couldn't talk then, that I would call him later.

I then dialed the mobile phone number of Toby but as soon as I dialed the number, I remembered that I was actually using his phone now and was at a loss how I could contact him. I felt very frustrated and tried to figure out how I could get in touch with him. For some reason, I was away from the phone for a moment but the next moment when I was back, the phone must have rung and someone must have answered and the receiver was put on the desk. I took it up and it was Toby on the line. I told him immediately that I wanted to see him straightaway, that I didn't want to work and he laughed. I asked him how long he could stay in our world and he said he would try his best to stay and told me he had just been to see "Liver" (nickname of one of his old schoolmates whom I know as he used to study in the same University as Toby but this "Liver" was by no means one of Toby close friends, not that Toby didnt like him but he never was close to him and the interests of the two were very different, so I don't know why he said so or why I dreamed of him seeing "Liver").

Anyway, I then said if you went to see Chow Kai Nam or Chan Chi Wai (his two good friends), they would be terrified. He laughed and I laughed too and just then, I saw Davina pass by my seat and she was surprised to see me laughing so happily but before she had a chance to speak to me, she disappeared and right in front of me was Toby smiling at me but the next second, I woke up all of a sudden. Looking back, I don't know why I woke up then if I had actually fallen asleep as my eyes were still very heavy and I very much wanted to go back to sleep. Or had I actually not fallen asleep but sort of been hypnotized so that I could dream of Toby? or was it just a dream because I was thinking too much of him, I really don't know. But unlike dreams that I used to have, I could recall this dream in such details and what happened in the dream just seem so very real that it certainly doesnt resemble ordinary dreams.

12/2/04 - I dreamed of Toby again early morning between 4:35 to around 5:30 and below is what happened.  "I went to bed at around 11pm last night and fell asleep pretty soon afterwards. As previously, I woke up in the middle of the night and it was 2:45am when I checked my alarm clock. As usual, I was disappointed that I didn't dream of Toby. Again I couldn't go back to sleep for quite a long while and when I next checked the alarm clock, it was already 4:35am. It was soon after that that I gradually became drowsy and started dreaming. The location was my mother-in-law's home but again as in my previous dream, she didn't play any role at all throughout.  Toby was there originally and for some reason he had to go downstairs, to buy something or to get something but I don't remember exactly why he had gone downstairs.

What I remember clearly is that as soon as he had left, I was mad with myself again as to why I didn't follow him, I was worried that he might not come back.  Just when I was fretting, the door bell rang and he came back and I was telling him that I was so worried that he might not come back but the next thing that happened was that I saw it was Eddie, my brother, and not Toby standing at the door and all of a sudden I woke up. I thought to myself maybe that's it for the night, I didn't expect to be so lucky to get into another dream. I turned in my bed and was sleeping in another position when I dreamed of Toby again in his mother's home (again, I don't think I was fast asleep, I was actually in a half asleep, half awake condition). I was asking him if he needed anything and he asked me to get him a packet of pocket issues, which I did. I then suggested that we went out to the lift lobby to talk.

On our way out, Toby even spoke to his neighbor. Looking back now the vision of Toby wasn't distinctly clear (not as he appeared in Chan Chi Wai's dream) but I can definitely feel that he's Toby, it's not just my feeling but also the way he talked, the way he moved about. As soon as we went out of his home, the location seemed to have changed again, it's not the lift lobby that we went to but somewhere else but I don't know where. Anyway, he commented that he had never seen me so thin but then he said that it's all right, that I would gain weight again gradually when I had been eating well. I looked at him and told him that he too seemed to have lost weight. I also remember that he's wearing jeans and t-shirt. I asked him if he still needed to eat and he said he had visited all the restaurants. I remember that I wanted to ask him where he now lived but for some reason I didn't ask. I seemed to have asked him two more questions but I can't remember that on waking up.

The next thing I remember was that I was back to my bed and Toby was still with me but all of a sudden I felt as if something was sucking me, that a strong force was pulling my body to the end of the bed and at the same time I could feel that Toby was disappearing. All this happened very suddenly and quickly (like in a split second) and like in my previous dreams, I woke all of a sudden. I was still in bed and the feeling of being sucked to the end of the bed was gone. I checked my alarm clock and it was 5:10am.  Like after my first dream of Toby the other night, my eyelids felt very heavy on waking up. Again I tried to stay awake to recall every detail of the dream but I couldn't recall the last bit of my dream no matter how hard I tried, that is, the two more questions that I feel I asked him but then they too seem to be insignificant questions, not something that I really want to ask him when I'm fully awake, seems that in my dream, I have no control over the priority of things I want to know.) I was so tired that I soon fell asleep again. I seemed to dream of him again but it was a very short one and the remembrance of the dream is very vague."

4/4/04 - After days of disappointment over and over again, I dreamed of Toby again today. That morning the first time I woke up was around 6:40. I fell asleep again and then I dreamed of Toby. In this dream I didn't realize he was gone. I dreamed of him lying next to me in bed and we were both just woken up from our sleep and as in the past, I liked to smell him and kiss him. I did the same thing and he held up his left arm to let me move closer to him and just when I was holding onto him, I woke up only to find that I was the only one on the bed. You can imagine how disappointed I was but in the dream, I was so happy and contented and the feeling was so sweet. Toby seemed so real that I dont know whether it was a dream or he did come to see him.

That evening, I went to bed at around 10pm but couldn't fall asleep straightaway and I don't think I slept very soundly when I eventually fell asleep. I woke up at 12 midnight and went to the toilet. Then I went back to sleep. It wasn't long before this happened. It was really amazing, something that I couldnt describe fully in words. If this hadn't happened to me personally, if this were something I heard from others, I may have doubted the credibility of what happened too. What happened all of a sudden I felt a strong force pulling my body and something strange, something I've never experienced before (something like a cold current or some sort of energy, I really don't know how to describe it accurately) coursed through my whole body, from my feet all the way up my head. I'm sure I was woken up by this strange force.

I was startled and I remember thinking to myself "oh, something's going to happen to me". But before I had had time to think what's going to happen, I felt pinned to my bed. I couldn't move. I don't know why but for some reason I felt it was Toby who had come and involuntarily I cried out "Toby" but then I discovered I couldn't even utter his name in full as if my mouth had been injected with some anesthetic. All I could utter was "Tob...". My body was totally out of my control but I must have been awake as I felt somehow that there was a grey shadow hovering just next to me on my left side and just when I was trying to call Toby I could feel his hand holding one of my hands.

The way Im describing this as if all these happened step by step but in fact they all happened so very very quickly that they seemed to be happening the same time. The duration was so short, I guess all this took place within 30 seconds at most and then it's all over and I could move and speak again and the shadow hovering next to me was gone. I so very much want to be able to describe my true feeling then but still I felt what I've said above cannot truly reflect what actually happened to me. But one thing I was absolutely sure is that it's real. Only then could I truly feel what Yoyo must have felt in her dream, only it was a dream for Yo but it's real for me.

Experience #2  762

 

EXPERIENCE DESCRIPTION



It happened in the early hours Saturday morning, 26 Feb 05. I was dreaming of Toby (my late husband) when I suddenly felt someone pat my pillow twice, which woke me up immediately. I do not know why, I cannot explain it myself but I must have felt that it was Toby and my immediate response was to call Toby and to look over my shoulder. I called his name but found that I couldnt give out any sound. Nor could I move easily. It was as if everything around me paused for that split second. It lasted just that split second and then everything became normal again and I lost the feeling of Toby.  

Last Friday night (i.e. 4 March 05), I was reading on my bed. My eyes felt so tired after some time, so I put down what I was reading and went to bed. It was 10:30pm then. I fell asleep almost immediately and when I woke up, it was already 6:50am the next morning. As I dont have to work on Saturday, I didnt bother getting up so early. I dozed off again and when I next woke up, it was 8:20am. By then I had already been asleep for ten hours and was fully awake. It was a very sunny morning and my bedroom was all lit up with sunlight coming through the curtains. I still didnt want to get up and I was turning on my bed. Without knowing, I turned to a position where I was lying with my face against the pillow and my back facing the ceiling when I suddenly felt somebody pull the end of my quilt twice very quickly. The feeling of my quilt being pulled was very distinct as if someone was trying to alert me that something was going to happen. The next thing I knew was that a human figure was descending from above and when I tried to turn to look, I could feel that it was Toby, I could actually see the size and shape of the figure and there is no doubt that it was my husband. Of course my first reaction was to try to turn round so as to face him but just like before when something similar to this happened, I had such difficulty moving, my body weighed like lead and I couldnt turn. I told myself to calm down because as in my previous experiences when I panicked, the feeling vanished immediately. Slowly and slowly, I managed to turn round but when I managed to do this, Toby seemed to have floated above towards the ceiling. I reached out to him with one of my hands and again found it so hard to get up to reach him. At that moment, he extended one of his hands to me and somehow I managed to hold his hand. It didnt feel warm or cold but I could tell straightaway it was my husbands hand. I had got out of bed by then (or at least thats how I felt) and was face to face with Toby (with him still floating horizontally in the air). I cried out to him, Toby Toby, am I to come and join you very soon? He seemed to smile and he seemed to shake his head, I was not too sure what his response was but I remember I became very frustrated and cried out insistently, I cant wait any more, I have to, I want to, let me come and join you wherever you are, I dont want to be separated from you again. Everything came to an end abruptly at that point and I found myself still lying in the same position (i.e. with my face against the pillow and my back facing the ceiling). It seemed that throughout what happened I had not changed my position but on the other hand I am 100% certain that what happened was real. It seemed that I was immediately taken into another realm of existence when I felt someone pulling my quilt and in that realm of consciousness I saw Toby and felt whatever I had described. I remember reading one of Raymond Moodys books and he talked about "dimensions of the mind of which we are not ordinarily aware". I was thinking, could it be that I saw Toby with my mind, only that it was another dimension of my mind which we dont normally use in our daily consciousness in this world? There is of course no way I can fully explain this but this is something I have felt myself and I know it was REAL. 

That reminded me of what my mother-in-law told me some weeks ago. One Sunday at around 6pm, she dozed off at home and she saw Toby. Her description was: Toby was standing right at the side of her bed, laughing and teasing her in the way he used to do when he was alive. She saw him very clearly, he was wearing a greenish blue corduroy shirt and jeans. Toby held out his hand and pressed against the wallet she wears all the time on her even when she goes to bed and asked in a teasing manner if she had enough money. She replied that of course she had, there and then she woke up. So I said to her it was a dream. Immediately she corrected me and said no, I saw him. She repeatedly said that it wasnt a dream, that he was really there at the side of her bed but she couldnt explain the part why she woke up if it wasnt a dream. Now I can understand it wasnt a dream, that she too was taken into another realm of consciousness where Toby could appear before her, only that she couldnt explain it in words. 

I submitted to this website last year in May and since then, I have not had any experience that I would call a real visit from Toby. I have prayed and begged and waited for him to come to me again but have been disappointed day and night until what happened above. Ive heard so much from other ADC experiencers that their deceased loved ones came back looking so beautiful, so young, so glowing with light. This is something that I have not yet experienced. I did say I saw Toby but it was more a feeling of him than seeing his actual facial features distinctly.  

To me my experience above is really amazing. I myself of course know its true and real as Im the one to experience it (as I said in my previous submission, only those who have had similar experiences can tell what I have experienced and understand why I feel what I experienced is REAL). But there are so many things that I cannot explain myself, so many things that I dont understand myself. How I wish other people who have had similar experiences can share with me what they have experienced to see if their experiences can somehow shed light on what actually has happened to me when I saw (or more correctly when I felt) Toby.

Background Information:

Date of experience:          

5 March 2005

Length of time between death of deceased and your experience:         

just over 14 months

Was the date of the experience significant in any way?     no

General geographic location of experience: 

It took place on my bed at home, therefore no geographic location to describe

Details of location of experience and your activity at the time of experience: 

I was still in bed but had just woken up from a good sleep of almost 10 hours, so I was fully awake at that moment

Degree of bereavement for deceased immediately prior to the experience:    

Severe sadness and/or grief feelings

Degree of alertness immediately prior to experience:         Fully alert

After your experience, did you consider the contents of your experience:      

Wonderful

Have you had multiple experiences?   Yes     3 altogther in this submission

Was this experience difficult to express in words? 

Uncertain

I tried my best to describe what I had felt but I can't be sure myself whether I have adequately described what actually happened.

Did you feel a touch or experience any physical contact from the deceased?           

Yes

I held his hand and felt immediately that it was his hand

            Was the touch familiar or unfamiliar?  

not the touch but the hand I saw was the hand of my husband

            Was anything communicated by the touch? 

No except that I know it's his hand

            Is there any possibility what you felt was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience? 

It couldn't be from any other source present in the world we exist; it can be a result of a source from their dimension which we don't understand

Did you see the deceased?        

I did see him, he was right there in front of me floating horizontally in the air but I didn't see his facial features clearly but I saw him and knew it was him.

            How clearly did the deceased appear?            As explained above, it was more a feeling. I saw him but I couldn't tell whether he was solid or transparent. All I know is that it was my husband that I saw, from the time he was descending from the ceiling.

            How much of the deceased did you see?       I felt the whole of him floating in the air as if he were lying on an invisible bed hanging in the air.

            Did the deceased appear or not appear to be the age at which they died?       I couldn't tell; I have not yet had a chance to see him that clearly

            How healthy did the deceased appear to be?            He didn't have any infirmities before he passed away. He was in perfect health when he was alive.

            Is there any possibility what you saw was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?           As explained above, it couldn't be from any other source present in the world we exist; it can be a result of a source from their dimension which we don't understand

Did you smell a distinct smell, scent, fragrance or odor associated with the deceased?     

No

How long did the experience last?       

I can't be sure. Just before it happened, it was 8:20 and when it was all over, it was almost 9:00

Was the beginning and end of the experience gradual or more sudden?        

It was sudden, both the beginning and the end

How do you currently view the reality of your experience?          

Experience was definitely real

            Please explain why you view the reality of your experience as real or not real:         

(1) It happened when I was fully awake. It just broke into my consciousness and took me to another kind of existence for me to feel what I had felt.

(2) It is difficult to explain why I view my experience as real as I have said, only those who have had similar experience can fully understand why one is so sure that it is real.

            Was the experience dream like in any way?  

No

It is definitely not a dream, nor can I say I experienced it in the normal consciousness that we human beings understand. It was real but I feel that I was taken into another kind of existence to be to feel what I had felt.

What did you feel (while awake) immediately prior to your experience?           

No particular emotionN0 comment
Describe in detail your feelings/emotions during the experience:          

I was immediately very nervous when I was alerted by the pulling of my quilt that something was again to take place but when I found out that I had difficulty moving again, I told myself to stay calm. I was overcome with joy that I could really see Toby even if I just saw him on my mind. I was excited and amazed too even while I was in this experience that something like this could happen to me.

Was there any emotional healing in any way following the experience?          

The answer is yes and no. As explained above, I feel comforted that my husband is still around me, I feel comforted that there is indeed life after death but on the other hand I can never have enough of him. I want to be with him more every time after he's come to me. I don't think I can ever be really comforted until the day I can be with him forever and I long for the day to come.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?     

The best was that Toby is still around me, the worst is that it ends with no answer for me as to what will happen to me.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?                           Describe:     

Yes and no. I have definitely changed, not because of the experience but because of the death of my husband. I am now more patient, more tolerant towards others and things on earth don't seem to matter to me any more.

What other attitudes and beliefs about your experience do you currently have?

I now know there is so much that we don't understand; I now know how limited human knowledge is.

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?   No       Did the experience give you any spiritual understandings such as life, death, afterlife, God, etc.? 

N0 comment      This is not the first experience I had with my husband. He has already come to me as described in my first submission in May 2004. Already from my previous experiences, I am convinced that life goes on after death and I also believe that there is an all-loving creator but I also recognise that there is so much we human can never seem to understand or find an answer while we are on this earth.

Death Compacts are when two or more living people promise among themselves that whoever dies first will try to contact the other(s).  Have you ever made such a compact?       

No

My husband passed away too suddenly in the prime of his health. Never did it occur to us that we had to have a death compact. But I'm sure he can hear my pleadings that I want him to come to me, to let me know that he still exists, that he's still around me.

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?         

No

What emotions did you feel during the experience?           

I was still excited immediately after the experience. Every time after I dreamed of Toby or felt his presence, I felt comforted on the one hand that he is still there for me and with me but on the other hand, I can never feel satisfied; I want more of him.

Have you shared this experience with others?        

Yes     Yes, my closest friends. They know me so well that they all believe in the reality of what I have experienced. They are all amazed that something like this could actually have happened. They too come to believe that life goes on after death.

Have you shared this experience formally or informally with any other researcher or web site?  

No

 Is there anything else you would like to add regarding your experience?      

I wish I could have more. I love to hear from others too what they have experienced.

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?              

I don't think anything can fully describe what I have felt but your questions have already done a very good job and I have also tried my very best to describe as accurately as possible what has actually happened.

Please offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire.   

I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions to offer at this stage but I think your website did a good job in comforting many of my kind who have lost their loved ones and I thank you for creating this website.