I've had a difficult time dealing with Bill's passing. I have good days, but his memory is with me in everything I do. Finally, about two weeks ago, I thought I was about at the end of my rope. I screamed at God for making the wrong choice. I ranted and raved and finally broke down crying and pleading for help. I asked both God and Bill to help me through this, because I knew I wasn't going to make it on my own. I'd had enough experiences with Bill since his passing to know he could hear me, and I had complete faith in the fact that if there were any way he could help me, he'd move Heaven and earth to do it. I was right.
For the next week, Bill was with me so many times, it almost felt like a second honeymoon. He had previously announced his appearances as a heavy pressure on my chest. (I always assume that's because of the way he died) Then he almost always appears to me as a misty, white vapor, dancing about my head, my shoulders, then across the room and back again. During this particular week, God and Bill apparently decided I needed some extra TLC. Bill came to me a few hours after I'd gone to bed and stayed for several minutes. Then he came back twice more in the night, prompting me to laugh at him and remind him I needed my sleep!
Over the course of the next few days, I could go into our bedroom, turn on the CD called "Relax" and invite him to come, and 99% of the time, he would. At one point, I was driving the car on the highway, and a song came on the radio that we had talked about before he died. Just as he'd promised, when that song started, he was suddenly in the car with me. The misty, white vapor went across my face at first, until I said "Honey, I love that you're here, but I'm driving!" And at that, he stayed, but he became a warm flush throughout my body and ceased to be visible. I've noticed that he is either visible or felt, but almost never both at the same time.
As the week went by, the sensations became more intense. The vapor, the pressure, and the warm flush, were joined by little electrical jolts, and a sensation like hands stroking my cheek, or my leg, or my hand. And our level of communication increased. I began to think that not only could he understand me, which I'd always known, but that I was at last beginning to 'hear' him! And that's how I gradually became aware that this week was to be my last with him.
On the night of Jan 22nd, we had a wonderful evening. We watched our wedding video together. Afterward we lay on the bed, and the vapor reached from above my head, all the way down to my feet. It felt like he was caressing me, and holding me in his arms. I asked him (silently) if he were leaving to continue his journey? We had discussed that possibility, because I was afraid he was hanging around for my sake. He would have done that forever, even if it meant he "missed the bus," and I couldn't let that happen. So I told him I'd be alright, as long as I knew that he'd always keep a connection open, so if we needed him, he'd be here. And a visit now and then would really be nice! The vapor enveloped me more, and about 25-30 minutes later, it gradually raised above me, and slowly disappeared. I called quietly "Good-bye, Sweety. I love you!" And I know he answered "I love you, too, Baby!"
When I was alone once more, I had a strange feeling of contentment. I say strange, because since his death just a few months before, my days, and especially my nights, had been filled with deep sorrow, regret, a tremendous sense of loss, sprinkled very rarely with mirth. But contentment never entered the picture!
the past four days, I've seen him once. He dropped in for about 60 seconds the
day after he left, as if to say "You still okay?" I miss him, of course, and I
await the day I can join him for eternity. But in the meantime, I'll try to have
a happy life with our six children and their families so that he doesn't worry
about me as he's waiting for my turn to come with him.
Was this experience difficult to express in words? No
Did you ONLY sense an awareness of presence of the deceased without actually seeing, hearing, feeling or smelling them? No
Did you hear the deceased or hear something associated with the deceased? Uncertain
Describe what you heard, how clearly you heard it and what was communicated: I'm not sure if "heard" is the word, but I say I 'heard' him in my thoughts, just as I 'talk' to him in my thoughts.
Did the voice or sound seem to originate externally or outside of you, inside you, or did you not hear a voice or sound, but had a sense of knowing what was communicated? Yes, it was a sense of knowing what was communicated. At one point, I asked him to say something so I'd know it wasn't my imagination. I immediately 'heard' his response. He said "Okay, say shit". He knew I always hated that word, and could never say it in a million years! I knew then it was him.
If you heard a voice or sound, was it similar or dissimilar from the voice or sound the deceased made when they were alive? n/a
Is there any possibility what you heard was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience? n/a
Was there any possible impairment to your hearing at the time of the experience? n/a
Did you feel a touch or experience any physical contact from the deceased? Yes
It varied. Sometimes it felt like his hand running lightly down my leg, or across my cheek. Sometimes it felt like an electrical jolt through my hips and abdominal area. Sometimes it was so intense, it raised my buttocks off the bed!
Was the touch familiar or unfamiliar? We were very touchy, feely people, so I was used to him touching me in many ways. Now it felt different, yet not unfamiliar. It felt soothing, comforting, stimulating, not frightening or annoying certainly.
Was anything communicated by the touch? complete, undying love! I knew before, and I certainly know now, that Bill will love me forever, as I him.
Is there any possibility what you felt was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience? No. When I first witnessed the vapor some weeks before this, I questioned whether it was my eyes, my imagination. I looked all around the room, I blinked my eyes to make sure they weren't foggy. I thought at one point that it came from me, like when you breathe on a cold day. So I held my breath. It was still there.
Did you see the deceased? Yes
The appearance in no way resembled his earthly body, except at one point when the vapor was swirling around my body, it changed for about 30 seconds, and appeared to be a reddish elongated oval that kept reaching toward my face, then would go down to my feet, then back up again. After several attempts, it stopped.
How clearly did the deceased appear? Like the patchy fog on the road as you're driving in the early morning.
How much of the deceased did you see? Since the shape was different, I can't say.
Did the deceased appear or not appear to be the age at which they died? n/a
How healthy did the deceased appear to be? Bill had suffered a great deal before he died. He lost weight, he looked older, and grayer. In a dream visitation earlier, he looked wonderful! (And yes, I know it was a visitation!)
Is there any possibility what you saw was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience? No. see above answers for more info.
Did you smell a distinct smell, scent, fragrance or odor associated with the deceased? No
How long did the experience last? sometimes as short as 60 seconds. The last time, it was probably close to an hour!
Was the beginning and end of the experience gradual or more sudden? I guess you could say gradual, in that I first feel the pressure, and then see the vapor. And when he left the last time, it was not an instant whoosh and he's gone.
Could you sense the emotions or mood of the deceased? Yes
I knew he was happy, because he was free of all those afflictions. He was surrounded by people who love him. And he still had me. I know that made him happy.
Did the deceased give you information you did not previously know? Not during this week's visits.
How do you currently view the reality of your experience? Experience was definitely real
Please explain why you view the reality of your experience as real or not real: There are too many experiences, both with me and with some of our children, to not be real. Besides, if they were my imagination, wouldn't I still have them going on? I didn't want them to ever stop! That week was one of the happiest of my life, and it was given to me by my deceased husband!
Was the experience dream like in any way? No
Describe in detail your feelings/emotions during the experience: Since the experience actually lasted a week, I'll have to use just the last night for a reference. During the experience, I felt joyful, playful, loved, and wanted. I wanted it to go on forever.
Was there any emotional healing in any way following the experience? Yes
Absolutely! I was a grieving, angry woman before Bill's week of TLC. He took that away. He's been gone (totally) for four days now, and I haven't broken down once. Before this, I couldn't go a full day without an emotional melt down!
What was the best and worst part of your experience? The best was the love we shared, both emotionally and physically. The worst was knowing it would be the last time, and once again, I'd have to say 'good-bye'!
Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience? Yes
Describe: Because I feel more at peace inside, I can approach others with a more solid foundation. Before this, all I ever wanted to do was talk about Bill. It kept him alive that way. I still enjoy that, but it doesn't consume me any more. And I know that I must treasure my relationships with those on earth, because we never know when they, too, will be with my Sweety.
Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience? Yes
I think it's heightened my awareness of my own spirituality, and increased my desire to know more.
Did the experience give you any spiritual understandings such as life, death, afterlife, God, etc.? Yes
It made me realize they're not as far removed as we might think. They certainly know what's going on. They're with us in a wink of an eye. They continue to love us, care for us, long after they're gone. Bill may not be with me continually as he's been since he passed, but I know if I need him, he'll come. I feel safe, like I have a protector who has the Boss's ear!
What emotions did you feel during the experience? I lay there smiling at the thought of what had just happened. And surprised that I wasn't sobbing uncontrollably. I felt contented, and relaxed. And looking forward to a new day for the first time.
Was the experience witnessed or experienced by others? Yes
This particular set of experiences were un-witnessed, but we've had so many in our family during the past 3 1/2 months, I had to put something in here!
Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience? Yes
During the course of all these experiences, I know that I can 'talk' to Bill easily, and I certainly never considered the possibility before this.
Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body? Uncertain
Not this time, but I have had a mirror meditation experience that was a bit unnerving.
shared this experience with others?
My daughter, who is my guide to the world of spirituality, is fascinated by the fact that he's been with me so much. She says I've truly been given a gift. My friend, who's an agnostic, and believes when you die, you're just dirt, listens, and questions. But she doesn't say it hog wash!
Have you shared this experience formally or informally with any other researcher or web site? Uncertain, I put a brief outline of an experience on a web site, but it wasn't this one because it hadn't happened yet.
Did you ever in your life have a near-death experience, out of body experience or other spiritual event? Yes, When Bill was hospitalized about 7 years ago, and the doctors thought he wouldn't make it, I knelt at our bed, and sobbed and sobbed, as I prayed God would spare him. Suddenly, I felt like a warm cloak had been wrapped around my shoulders, and my sobbing stopped instantaneously! I sat up, looked around, saw nothing, but I knew Bill would be alright. He regained consciousness 36 hours later.
Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? No
It was an extremely personal experience, and my answers are as accurate as I can make them without describing in vivid detail some very personal facts. But it's close enough!
Please offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire. You suggested a separate form for each experience. I must say that there have been so many, that would become my next week's work output! I'd be happy to share some with you from my journal ( a good friend thought to give me one when Bill passed away) but I just can't do more LONG questionnaires! Sorry! I'll see if any of the kids would like to share theirs.