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Kimberly S's ADC

Experience description:  

I had an ex-boyfriend who killed himself a few months after we broke up. He visited me about 3 days after I was told about his death. I was asleep in my bed. I opened my eyes around 6.30 a.m. awake and alert (not abruptly or startled). I was on my back with my head turned slightly to the left. I know this for sure because it froze when I saw him. I saw him lean over my bed. I felt the pressure of him leaning into me. He brought his face so close to my face. I tried to turn my head so I could look straight at him but I could only move my eyes. The rest of my body was frozen/ paralyzed. I would suspect from fear but I didn't scream. I don't remember if I was afraid or not although after he was gone I still could not move my head. I had to use both my hands to move my head straight. After that I don't remember anything - whether I went back to sleep or got up, what I did, where I went, who I spoke to, nothing. (which is my usual memory)

There was a transparency about him but there was also color. I noticed his long black hair and his blue eyes with his black framed glasses. His mouth and lips moved and he said 3 words that I could not hear. He said the same 3 words again. I did not hear any sound or voice. I do not know what he said to me. His suicide letter to me had 3 final words at the end. "You gave up" However, I don't feel that these were the words and it didn't look like those words. A week earlier he told me that if something did happen to him it was not my fault or his mother's. I know it was not "I love you" because of the way his lips formed the words. He didn't seem to be angry or yelling. It didn't seem to be loving either. To this day I still wonder what he said.

It was no surprise to me that he showed himself because we often talked about  life after death, ghosts and such.  He knew I was deeply into that sort of stuff and often witnessed me trying to coax my dead grandmother into visiting me.

I never told his family about what I saw. I didn't want to hurt anyone and I figured they wouldn't believe me anyway.

Was this experience difficult to express in words?  No

Did you hear the deceased or hear something associated with the deceased?          Uncertain

            Did the voice or sound seem to originate externally or outside of you, inside you, or did you not hear a voice or sound, but had a sense of knowing what was communicated?  3 words were spoken and repeated a second time but no voice or sound was heard. I am sure it was not "I love you" because of the form of his lips/ mouth was definitely not "I." I am still trying to analyze what he said to me that morning. "You gave up" were the last 3 words he wrote in one of his suicide letters, the one left to me but my gut tells me those are not the words I am looking for. I don't think the first word looked like "you"

            Was there any possible impairment to your hearing at the time of the experience?   No

Did you feel a touch or experience any physical contact from the deceased?            Yes

He leaned over the bed with his face inches from mine and I felt the pressure of him leaning upon my chest or torso. I was covered up with blankets.

            Was the touch familiar or unfamiliar?   Normal pressure.

            Was anything communicated by the touch?  No, I don't think so

            Is there any possibility what you felt was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?  While trying to rationalize what happened I remember asking myself if it could of been the cat I felt on the bed but no animals were in the room. So NO! The pressure matched up with his body although all I could see was his face.

Did you see the deceased?         Yes

His face was inches away from mine. I remember a transparency but I could clearly see his face, his long dark hair, his eyes because he was wearing his black framed glasses, his lips & mouth because he spoke to me.

            How clearly did the deceased appear?            Somewhat transparent but with color.

            How much of the deceased did you see?       His head and face. I can't remember seeing anything more. I was froze on his face

            Did the deceased appear or not appear to be the age at which they died?       He looked the same as he did a few days earlier.

            How healthy did the deceased appear to be?            He was wearing his glasses he always wore.

            Is there any possibility what you saw was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?           Absolutely not. How could it be, it was his face in my face.

Did you smell a distinct smell, scent, fragrance or odor associated with the deceased?      No

How long did the experience last?        Maybe a few seconds or a minute. Not sure but not long.

Was the beginning and end of the experience gradual or more sudden?         The beginning was sudden but the ending seemed to fade away.

Could you sense the emotions or mood of the deceased?           No

Did the deceased give you information you did not previously know?  Not sure. Could not hear what he said.

How do you currently view the reality of your experience?           Experience was probably real

            Please explain why you view the reality of your experience as real or not real:           I say probably real only because my skeptic family and friends say I was dreaming or that I wanted it badly enough that I hallucinated. So they put some doubt into my head but before that I would of said definitely.

            Was the experience dream like in any way?   No

You know when you have been dreaming. It was not a dream. I was fully awake and alert. Too awake and alert for that time of morning for me.

Was there any emotional healing in any way following the experience?           Yes

Some healing momentarily afterwards from the grief but uncertainties and more unanswered questions arise.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?      The best was seeing him again, looking into his eyes, feeling him press up against me...even just for a moment.

The worst was not knowing what he was trying to say...was he ok, was he mad at me, did he blame me, was he sorry....what was the message?

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?         Uncertain                  Nothing dramatic just curiosity that eats me up inside about what 3 words did he try to tell me. I have often thought about going to a medium to find out but I am too cheap to go and afraid that it is a scam. My experiences seem to leave me wanting more and more. My husband says I am obsessed with this stuff- reading about it, researching, ghosts, haunting, afterlife...

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?
   Yes     I wasn't sure if the visit was to let me know he was ok or that he was stuck due to the sinful way he took his own life. So I performed a prayer ritual for his soul if in purgatory to be able to cross over. Although I have pleaded several times over the years to please contact me again or show me a sign and tell me what he said, he has never come back.

Did the experience give you any spiritual understandings such as life, death, afterlife, God, etc.?            Yes     Each experience gives me temporary satisfaction of an afterlife. I feel peace, happiness and less fearful of the unknown. Then doubt sets in again and I need more proof in order to sustain my belief. I believe in God and the after life but my greatest fear is that there is pain in dying or nothingness afterwards. I need proof. I get proof but it's too subtle or brief and deniable.

Death Compacts are when two or more living people promise among themselves that whoever dies first will try to contact the other(s).  Have you ever made such a compact?        Yes

Again, I believe but I require proof to offset the fear and doubt so I have made these compacts with my parents, husband and children. Yes, the deceased and I had discussed contacting the other after death.

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          No

What emotions did you feel during the experience?            Happiness, excitement and gratitude but also some disbelief - did it really happen?

Was the experience witnessed or experienced by others?           No

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     Uncertain

I'm not sure what you mean. My body was not responding to what my brain was telling it. My brain was conscious as well as my eyes but nothing else worked. But I was still there in my head not out in the room. After the experience my body parts gradually started to work or gradually released from a frozen or paralysis state.

Have you shared this experience with others?        
Yes     My current husband is a great skeptic. He has never had an experience but says he would welcome one. However, he thinks my experiences are dreams or my mind playing tricks on me.

Have you shared this experience formally or informally with any other researcher or web site?   No

 Is there anything else you would like to add regarding your experience?       No

Were there any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?            No

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No 

Did you ever in your life have a near-death experience, out of body experience or other spiritual event?           Yes 

No near death or out of body but I have had other experiences with deceased loved ones but they were more subtle and one when I was very young and I'm not sure it really happened.

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?               Yes

Please offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire.    This has nothing to do with this experience but more questions about contact through dreams. These would seem to be hard to describe in your own words.