Margaret O's ADC
I was lying in bed. I wondered if Luke was available to me. I "opened" my mind to see if it was possible. I experienced the presence of a warm, bright golden glow in my mind's eye. There was no doubt that it was Luke, but "much more" than Luke. It seemed to be his essential energy more than the Luke I knew in life, but it felt very familiar. The sense was of Luke's "spirit" or "essence". He was trying to communicate how amazing the experience was. It was joyful, kind of an "oh wow you wouldn't believe this" feeling. I took it to be a sharing with me of a very joyful experience he was having. It was as if he had already started to be absorbed by some kind of bright and peaceful energy, but his own essence was very strong and still contained as "him". I second guessed "I'm making this up". It receded only a little, so I opened myself up again and it returned full fledged. It ended when I had taken in as much as I could. It seemed to take a high level of openness on my part, and I couldn't sustain that - I needed to return to my own "real time" experience, so shut off the gateway. I started to cry immediately afterwards.
I was sitting on my sister's front stoop smoking a cigarette, feeling overwhelmed at all of the decisions before me. I was anxious, upset at the enormous disruption and the difficulties ahead of me in terms of personal sacrifices I had to make to achieve the goals we had developed together - feeling sorry for myself, I suppose. I "heard" in my head"
"Oh Lukie, its not your fault, we got into this together. I'll make it work."
I experienced what I can only describe as a hug around my arms, shoulders, chest, back. Luke's hugs always gave me a feeling of extreme peace (and vice versa). I pushed the sensation away as "impossible", but it wavered only a little. Then the "hug" became even more enveloping and peaceful. It felt exactly like our "real time hug" and there was no doubt in my mind that I was being held and comforted by Luke. This time he "felt" more himself, not as joyously amazed - more like feeling guilty and responsible for the mess he had left me with and trying to offer comfort. I felt reassured, and that the events of the rest of the day would be shared with him. I felt peaceful and let go any resentments and axieties.
I was standing in the front foyer of the model home of the new home I was considering to buy. I "reached out" and asked "well Lukie, do you think we will be happy here?" meaning he and I. I was filled with an overwhelming sense of joy, approval,
"Yes!" "OK then, let's do it! Thank you Lukie. Thank you God. I am so very grateful for this"
I started to cry, with a sense of relief.
This is the hardest experience to describe; it was powerful, immensely reassuring, I didn't need to open myself up much to experience it. It was pretty overwhelming, actually.
I was sitting in the real estate agent's office discussing the purchase of the house. I was feeling anxious, worried about making such a big decision, worried that it was all going to be tight for me financially. I had to ask the date in order to sign the Offer to Purchase. It was December 19th.
The 19th is a very important number for Luke and I. We were both born on that date, met on that date, both joined 12 step programs on that date, bought our current house on that date. As soon as I knew the date I felt that this was not a coincidence, but a continuation of "synchronicity" that has affected us our entire time together. I set my move in date for March 19 just to "solidify the pact" so to speak.
I was rummaging through some boxes of "memorabilia" of Luke's. There were tons of boxes, and I have no idea why I was drawn to one particular box in such a massive pile. I picked up something wrapped in tissue paper, and found two brass house numbers. Two "two's". My new house address is 22. I was surprised, and laughed. "OK then, I guess you are still involved in all of this."
After a day of incredibly hard work all of Luke's boxes were finally being transported to a storage unit. I was surprised one more time to see the unit number was 4119. I laughed again - "I guess you approve of all of this. I don't agree with this, you should have gotten rid of all of this shit ages ago and it is all a total pain in the ass to have to deal with. But as long as you're happy I guess that's good enough for now."
I was lying in bed feeling pretty good about all that had been accomplished. The real estate agent had just left, and gave some great feedback on the state of the house and its salability. I had the sense that the house would sell very quickly, and that this ordeal would be over soon.
I opened my mind to contact for the first time in a state other than anxiety. I wondered if he was "still around". His presence came in the form of a glow again, this time much less overwhelmingly present, almost as if his spirit had already begun to absorb back into the big spiritual collective. I asked
"Hey, did you finally get to meet Carl?"
This was Luke's ancestor, a really impressive guy who made a lot of impact in his community and who we were both enjoying learning more about through e-mail contact with people currently residing in the part of Poland that used to be eastern Germany.
I got a surge of glow, best described as a great big delighted "smile". Man he was happy with that, something about Carl was really delighting him.
I asked about his mother - the light dimmed. Oh uh, something not good there. His Aunt Elizabeth? Almost bleak.
But Carl is a delight? Oh yes, BIG smile!
to cry, and he kind of retreated. I got the sense that my sadness and tears were
not going to bring us closer, they were going to interfere with the connection.
So I shifted to feelings of being happy for him that he was having the
experience. It's hard to say who closed the contact, he or I. It seemed to end
when it was meant to. I cried a lot when it was over, mainly a joyful, relieved
Was this experience difficult to express in words? Yes
Experiences 1, 2, 3 and 7 were intangible. They involved a sense of a "presence" and a "thought exchange" more than a physical experience.
Did you hear the deceased or hear something associated with the deceased? Uncertain
Describe what you heard, how clearly you heard it and what was communicated: A conversation of sorts took place, as described above, but it wasn't exactly "hearing" as much as "knowing" there was something to be heard. The "I'm sorry" was the most clear verbal communication. Clearly formed words, not exactly in his voice, but it had his "essence".... very hard to describe but very easy to recognize when it happened.
Did the voice or sound seem to originate externally or outside of you, inside you, or did you not hear a voice or sound, but had a sense of knowing what was communicated? Internally. No external sound was heard, just internal. Not a thought generated internally, more like a thought planted externally in a different energy that by own. I wish I cold call it a "voice", because that is the closest description, but that is not an accurate representation.
Did you feel a touch or experience any physical contact from the deceased? Yes
I felt a "hug", or an embrace around my arms, back, chest. It was a warm pressure, sustained for quite some time. It very much felt like a "hug" even thought there was no real physical contact. More like a sensation of warm air pushing down on my skin and muscles, a tiny bit "electric" at first, then deepening. I was confused at first and wondered what it was, then as the pressure deepened recognized I was being hugged.
Was the touch familiar or unfamiliar? Yes! Luke gave the best hugs; when we held each other tension would melt away. It felt like he was doing his very best to give that to me, despite being hampered by not being physically proximate. It was a bit shocking so I had trouble recognizing what it was for a second.
Was anything communicated by the touch? Comfort, love, a wish to bring me peace and reassurance.
Is there any possibility what you felt was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience? Other than a case of wishful thinking? No. I do not recall thinking about his hugs or comfort, just talking to him and telling him it wasn't his fault and I would be OK. The physical sensation started right after that.
Did you smell a distinct smell, scent, fragrance or odor associated with the deceased? No
How long did the experience last? Each episode lasted no more than a few moments as described above. The "hug" sensation lasted the longest, perhaps several minutes.
Was the beginning and end of the experience gradual or more sudden? The experiences involving contact were generally gradual, and increased as I opened my mind to it. The exception was the "I'm sorry" - that came out of nowhere, quite suddenly, as I was thinking about how I was going to manage this all.
Could you sense the emotions or mood of the deceased? Yes
First contact - amazed, joyful, "wow, this is just unbelievable and I want to share it with you".
Second contact (on stoop)- remorse, compassion, a sense of responsibility, and a desire to remove the sense of aloneness I was feeling in the moment. "I'm still here, we'll do this together, I am with you in this."
contact (in house) - "yes, this is right, do it, it is right for you, right for
"us" (though it would be hard to say who 'us' was, I felt like he meant me and
his intentions). It wasn't magic, like "I grant your wish". More like "this has
the right feel, it is a good choice, it 'meets the criterion'.
Did the deceased give you information you did not previously know? Not exactly. Just a sense of reassurance each and every time.
How do you currently view the reality of your experience? Experience was probably real
Please explain why you view the reality of your experience as real or not real: It is hard to accept this as "real" wholeheartedly. I keep thinking that I might be "creating" it out of my grief and longing.
other hand, the tangibles like the date and finding the brass numbers were very
real. Coincidence? Our histories before we met were filled with unlikely
coincidence and we had both come to accept that our Higher Power had had a hand
in preparing us for each other and allowing us to meet. These "synchronicities"
were no more odd or unusual than dozens of others like them we experienced
together when he was still alive, something to be accepted and experienced as
unique to this relationship, and to be greeted with gratitude.
Was the experience dream like in any way? Uncertain
That's a hard one. They certainly have a "surreal" quality to them, but they aren't "dreamlike" in the usual sense of the word. They are a bit shocking, I question their "reality" and try to push them away, then decide to accept and see what happens. The more I accept the possibility, the more clear and fulfilling the experience becomes.
Describe in detail your feelings/emotions during the experience: 1) In bed meditating two days after his death -- sad, alone, in a state of shock, but wondering if it was possible to make contact.
2) Sitting on step of my sister's house feeling overwhelmed by what was ahead of me, uncertain of how to move forward. -- frustrated, angry, afraid
3) Standing in the house I was considering purchasing, asking him for "an opinion" -- scared, overwhelmed but hopeful
4) While signing Offer to Purchase in real estate agent's office -- no particular emotion other than background anxiety
5) Rummaging through boxes of his belongings that we were packing up -- no particular emotion, perhaps frustration at the mess to be cleaned up. Curious about what was in the tissue paper
6) Renting a storage unit to store said boxes - busy, in a hurry to get it done
in bed "calling out" to him - starting to accept the possibility that contact
was happening. Otherwise no particular emotion other than curiosity once the
Was there any emotional healing in any way following the experience? Yes
As above. Overall greatly reassured, and felt comfort that he really was still in my life in this spiritual way. Really not so different from our spiritual connection while he was alive in terms of the "sense" of it, even though the method sure as heck is unexpected. I had no expectations about being able to "feel" him like this; I thought what I would need to rely on was memories. While I am frankly shocked that this is even remotely possible, I am greatly comforted by the possibility that it IS!
What was the best and worst part of your experience? The worst is not quite being able to embrace it as "actual" - having doubts that this is concocted out of my need. The best is the comfort and sense of possibility that comes with it.
Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience? No
Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience? Uncertain This "kind of" fits with my intuitive sense of hoe the universa expereince might be organized, but it surprises me nontheless.
Did the experience give you any spiritual understandings such as life, death, afterlife, God, etc.? Yes I can best describe it as Luke having been distilled to his essence, his central energy. He is "returned to the Borg" to use a really wacked out reference, but he is available to me and still has permission to comfort the person with whom he shared the most spiritual part of his life journey. That surprised me. I thought that when he was "rejoined" with whatever the heck is out there, he would be on to his next phase as a consciousness, maybe even reincarnated (he had a deep fear of being sent back to earth as a gnat or an ant!) He hasn't been. He is very joyful, very much loving this experience, and he is "allowed" to share it with me. That amazes me!
Death Compacts are when two or more living people promise among themselves that whoever dies first will try to contact the other(s). Have you ever made such a compact? Uncertain
We talked about whether or not it might be possible in a more general sense, and I often thought if it was possible there was such a strong spiritual connection between us that it might be specifically possible for us. However, beyond this general discussion we had no plans for moving furniture around or haunting each other. This is all really unexpected to me. I have the sense that he's having the most amazing expereince "up there" and really wants to share it; my job is to stay open to the possibility if I can.
Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later? Yes Any of the tangibles, such as the number 19, and the brass numbers, can be verified.
What emotions did you feel during the experience? Overwhelmed. A funny mixture of incredulity, comfort, joy, and deep sadness. It reinforced his physical absence, but I felt less alone, and really felt strongly that he hadn't entirely left me.
Was the experience witnessed or experienced by others? No
Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose? Uncertain
Kind of. Not anything earth shattering, just a sense that there was a unviersal energy of sorts, but that he wasn't totally absorbed by it. Part of it, but not totally one with it. Other than that, I can't say I have any more certainly about what is out there than anyone else.
Did you see a light? Yes A warm, golden white glow. In my mind, not external; it seems to come down from the top left corner of my mind, then slowly fills up the entire area where my vision wolf normally centre. My eyes are closed.
Did any part of your experience seem to occur in a place other than the location described above? No
Have you shared this experience with others?
Yes They listen very carefully and seem to derive some measure of comfort from it. HIs brother shared a dream where he was being chased by lions (his brother was a Leo), including being chased up a tree. Frankly, he deserved to be chased up a tree by his brother for some of his behaviours immediately after the funeral, but I think that was his guilt more than any spiritual expereince. Syill, he was sharing his puzzle, and that was a good thing for both of us.
Have you shared this experience formally or informally with any other researcher or web site? Yes
I shared it on the Yong Widows web site and that is how I learned about this study.
Is there anything else you would like to add regarding your experience? Just glad this long form is over!!!
Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes, Recalling and wirting this was a deeply emotional expereince, and I now have a fierce headache.
Please offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire. It would help if it were shorter or staged in some way. Doing this all at once is a LOT!