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Pam C's ADC

Experience description:  

At my 18 week scan we were told there was something wrong with my babies brain development. We had to see a specialist to have tests done to confirm the radiologists suspicions and sent to a room to discuss the outcome with a team of medical staff. My husband, his sister and myself were there when we received the bad news.

They didn't need to say much, I knew there was something wrong right from the start just like I knew I was pregnant before taking the test. Just like I knew i was going to have a girl before they told me after she was born. I kind of tried not to get too attached knowing she was going to die even before we went for the scan. It feels like when you leave home and you get that niggling feeling you've forgotten something but just can't put your finger on it. You can't fully explain why you know, you just do. The doctors said that the pregnancy might not go full term because of the disease she had tended to end in miscarriage and they were a bit surprised to find I had got to 22 weeks. But then I ended up in the delivery room giving birth. The staff were wonderful, they knew our circumstances and were only happy to help with anything. The pain got bad.  (I've had two other sons without pain relief), I was offered pethadine to help it did take the edge off the pain but didn't make me sleepy. about half an hour later she was about to be born. My husband was holding my hand, I could feel the contractions like hot waves circling my back to my belly. The midwife said I could push when I was ready. All of a sudden the pain just went away completely, I was warm and comfortable and then I lay back and felt like something had just got up from lying on me. Like a weight had been lifted. I felt very peaceful, not sad. Relieved in a way, and I knew she was gone. I said "she's gone" The midwife looked at me a bit confused and my husband just put his head down. I pushed as hard as I could and she was born. The midwife eventually looked at us and said. "I'm sorry, there's no response. You had a little girl". At that my husband broke down. I just felt blissful, it was all over, she was gone, I knew she had gone already. I wasn't sad, I didn't cry. I tried to tell my husband that it was alright, she was alright. But he just cried inconsolably. I hemorrhaged while they were trying to remove the placenta. My blood pressure dropped to 34/70 or something like that. I have never felt so cold in all my life. They whisked me off to theatre after I said " see you later" to my husband. He looked a bit worried, I didn't say goodbye just see ya later. I could hear the heart monitor beeping. Then I heard it flat line. I remember feeling really comfortable. I didn't want to wake up. I was just so peaceful. I didn't see any lights or tunnels, or any people. It was just a blackness, I was floating almost, well that's what it felt like. I could hear my name being called, I ignored it. I wanted to be left alone. They continued to call my name and then I felt them shaking me. I opened my eyes and I heard the monitor beeping away again. They took me to a private room, where I slept soundly most of the night. In the morning one of the staff members came into the room and said I was looking after you last night, you look a whole lot better now than you did then, you got color back in your cheeks, we almost lost you there for a moment. It would have been about two years later, I was thinking about burying her ashes. I had a son since which I think is a miracle in itself, but that's a whole different story. Anyway I was thinking about her and thought it was time to burry the ashes and say goodbye "properly". That night I got in bed, I wasn't tired I was still having trouble sleeping.  My husband was asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. I was laid there with my eyes shut. All of sudden like a dream there was a little girl stood in front of me surrounded by whiteness no background no color no objects just white. She was a spitting image of my eldest son in features but wearing a blue pinafore and she was playing with a ball. She stopped and looked at me with a huge smile on her face. I felt so happy and I knew it was her, She was growing up just like she would have here only she wasn't brain damaged. (The doctors said she would be a vegetable.)  She looked very happy. I'm happy for her. My life has changed, I always believed in something after death but not sure what. I think I understand now.

Was this experience difficult to express in words? No

Did you hear the deceased or hear something associated with the deceased?          No

Did you feel a touch or experience any physical contact from the deceased?          No

Did you see the deceased?        Yes

She was about two years of age and dressed in a blue pinafore and white shirt. She had brown hair not sure how long it was it was in pigtails. She was born dead.

            How clearly did the deceased appear?            solid

            How much of the deceased did you see?       all of her.

            Did the deceased appear or not appear to be the age at which they died?            they did not. She was two years older?

            How healthy did the deceased appear to be?            Extremely healthy. She would have been a vegetable in life. severe brain abnormalities.

            Is there any possibility what you saw was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?           I suppose it is possible but I don't think, no feel so.

Did you smell a distinct smell, scent, fragrance or odor associated with the deceased?   No

How long did the experience last?       Not sure, about two or three minutes.

Was the beginning and end of the experience gradual or more sudden?          the beginning was fast but gradual. the end was sudden

Could you sense the emotions or mood of the deceased?          Yes  She was very happy.

How do you currently view the reality of your experience?         Experience was probably real

          Please explain why you view the reality of your experience as real or not real:   I was awake at the time not dreaming. It felt real but I could have been in a kind of day dream state. so not sure.

          Was the experience dream like in any way?  Uncertain

I had my eyes closed, I was in bed but i wasn't asleep.

Describe in detail your feelings/emotions during the experience:         At first, a bit unsure, during can't describe, but happy.

Was there any emotional healing in any way following the experience?          Yes

yes. I was still grieving over her loss and felt guilty and angry. After I was not angry or guilty and felt happy and relieved.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?    The best part is knowing that my daughter is happy and healthy though not on this plain. and the worst part was having to lose my daughter.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?       N0 comment                  Describe:     I feel an urge to help people career wise especially old people or people who are dying although I have no training as yet but looking into it. My relationship with my husband has never been better, we seem to understand each other without physically communicating.

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?
            Yes    I was brought up in a Christian religion, although I don't believe in the bible anymore since I grew up as I think it is hypocritical and I believe more now in a larger being, a force of some sort not an actual god.

Did the experience give you any spiritual understandings such as life, death, afterlife, God, etc.?          Yes    I'm not afraid of death. I'm not afraid of anyone else dying, I now truly believe in reincarnation and am very aware of other peoples feelings and life is better for me now. I see more color, I smell things stronger and I see things I never noticed before. (more aware of my surroundings).

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?         Uncertain I'm not sure if the midwife saw what happened or whether I was clinically dead. I can't remember any of the staff names so I'm uncertain, I don't think they would remember my particular case they have hundreds of patients.

What emotions did you feel during the experience?          very, very happy.

Was the experience witnessed or experienced by others?          Uncertain

My Husband was too grief stricken. The midwife was watching me but I never asked her, In case it was because of the situation i was in at the time

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?  No

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?     Yes

I believe that when I came round in the morning and since that day that I am here for a reason and think it is to help others.

Did you become aware of future events?      Yes

I know when one of my children are hurt or my husband and close friends. I know when they are trying to contact me. I think I know when something bad is going to happen in order to prevent it. Nothing bad has happened yet.

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?           Uncertain

I had an imaginary friend as a child and always got that eerie feeling in old houses and stately homes etc. I don't like hospitals and churches for that same reason.

Did any part of your experience seem to occur in a place other than the location described above?         Yes  At the hospital first time and at home the second.

Have you shared this experience with others?       

Yes    I told my Husband about it and my friends. The response from my husband was to accept it as true my friends have gone to telling about experiences they have had themselves.

Have you shared this experience formally or informally with any other researcher or web site?   No

 Is there anything else you would like to add regarding your experience?          no.

Were there any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?     Yes, Pethadine.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?    No 

Did you ever in your life have a near-death experience, out of body experience or other spiritual event?  Yes 

I had an out of body experience. Don't know the date, I can't remember. I went to my sisters house to see her sitting on her sofa crying. She lives on the other side of the world from me. I rang her to confirm what I had seen.