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Randy T's ADC

Experience description:  

The reason I'm submitting this is because I think it's an unusual experience. It's about me sharing my wife's death rather than my individual experience.

My wife developed cancer and was given 6 months to live.  We took care of her in our house with the help of wonderful Hospice workers.  She never improved at any point, but continued in a straight line of worsening illness. She survived 7 months from the time of diagnosis.

One day I was standing in the utility room, while she was in bed, and I stood looking at the washer and dryer trying to figure them out.  I had never been much of a housekeeper. I actually didn't know which was which. I was thinking I must master these in order that our children would have clean clothes. I felt a powerful light shine through me from head to toe. I felt like a sort of ecstasy had entered my body. It lasted only a few moments, but it was staggering. I don't believe I mentioned it to anyone. For hours afterwards I went around the house as though I was floating.  When I thought about it I believed that it may have been the 1st time in my life when I didn't think just of myself.  In fact I wasn't thinking of myself at all.

After she died I felt a sense of elation which lasted days.  Her family thought I was glad she was dead. I was.  Just not for the selfish reasons they thought. Somehow I was sharing her incredible release from the terrible disease.

Several nights afterward (I cannot remember exactly) while I was going to sleep I was suddenly watching "our" life review - not everything.  Just the wonderful moments in our lives.  I remember feeling overwhelming joy - our lives had been truly loving and every moment full of pure love and joy. The details were extraordinary - things seen from every vantage point and things I had never thought of were revealed. Unfortunately the next night - under the same half awake circumstances I relived every awful moment of our lives together. It streamed past like a super high definition movie, realer than real life. Every angry word and thought, and many hateful things. It was the very opposite of the night before. I remained awake in horror and terror of it repeating itself.

Then the severe grief began.  And I began to truly abuse alcohol.  I couldn't bear the prospect of re-living the awfulness so I drank in order to pass out every night. This continued for weeks.
I remember being aware that my life was falling asunder.

I also remember feeling her presence.  Or she was making her presence felt - gently. This was accompanied by a deep conviction that she was breaking rules.  It wasn't a strong presence - just a sense that she was there.  I spontaneously stopped drinking, without thought or effort. One day (I think a month or so after she had died) I was standing just  inside the door of the room where she had lain for so many weeks and I felt myself go into a strange 'grey' zone. I was no longer in this world, but not in the next. Her voice came to me and told me 4 things.
These would not be of any importance to anyone else but to me were intrinsic. I remember feeling I'd forget them and I repeated them over and over before the moment passed. I remember her voice was inside me. Not in my ears. She spoke without passion or emotion but not like a robot. Her strong, warm familiar voice was inside me.

Another odd thing.  I went from being an avid movie buff watching everything and anything to becoming completely unable to watch violence of any kind. e.g. I went from being a huge fan of the Sopranos to being unable to watch it.  Any violence however slight made me feel ill.

About a month before she died she asked me to try living a life of complete truth.  I was slightly offended - I didn't consider myself a liar in any way. But I thought about it and I was.  And when I tried to live a completely truthful life I began to feel like a different person. I was confident, clear-headed and felt better about myself than I ever had previously. It was as though the voltage of my life had increased.

This is out of sequence - After she spoke to me I felt I could read other people's minds.  One morning I went to the local supermarket and almost fell to the ground. I could hear the thoughts of the many shoppers and staff and it was terrible. So much negativity - such anger. I had to force my mind to stop hearing them. This has never happened to me before or since. I began to stay at home and not leave the house. I rarely had visitors. When I did they were true friends, but in time they dwindled. I often meditated at home alone and re-lived forgotten moments from my childhood.

Another notable event - After many months I went to a coffee shop where they had music in the evenings. I was approached by a woman who had the reputation of being psychic. This is what she said to me: "I don't know who you are, buddy, or where you're from but you're giving out vibes like I never felt before.  It's going to cause you all sorts of trouble." I did feel 'different' - as though I was on a slightly different plane. I asked her why it'd cause me problems. She said that my energy was so positive I would attract an awful lot of negativity. She was right.  The following years were not happy ones. But I'm in a more peaceful place now.

Whenever I mentioned my experiences to anyone they usually replied:  Typical grief thing - the mind plays tricks - you'll get over it...

But it's not like that.  I was with my wife for 27 years and we were rarely apart.  She always claimed to be an atheist and did not believe in a hereafter. I firmly believe she knew I wouldn't survive (mentally) to raise our children without her help & she broke some cosmic rules to linger awhile to give me strength. I also believe that just as a needle on a magnet becomes temporarily
magnetized - her presence gave me a certain 'otherworldly' ability.  To hear thoughts and so on.

Prior to her illness and now years later I'm very much the same as I always was.  I still endeavor to lead a completely truthful life. But I've found most people dislike the truth and it can be difficult.

I don't know if this account of my experience is of any value to your excellent site, but it has done me good to write it down after almost 10 years have passed.