Angela L ADC
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Experience description:

A few days prior to the event, he has told me that he was ill. Thinking that it was 'walking pneumonia', he tried to sleep it off, mostly, which sadly led to me seeing him less often online - we had been together for roughly three years at that time and had grown quite close - but he had finally visited a doctor and got some medicine.

As I got home that day, I was literally waiting for him to show up, and just chatted with other people online. I think it was about 7 pm, making it about 10 am for him. He still hadn't shown up, but when weakened from an illness, I could imagine him sleeping in. I do not know the exact time anymore, but I think it was between 7 pm and 8 pm that I suddenly felt extremely lonely. As if you just walked out of the door of your best friend ... or rather worse. I told the people I was chatting with exactly that - that I felt this incredible lonelyness - and even though I got written *hugs*, the feeling stayed. So I opted to go to sleep early.

In my dreams I felt someone tocuh me. I didn't see anyone (we mostly kept our relationship to text), but the way he touched me, I could later have sworn that it was him in that dream. Nonetheless, I woke some time between 4 am and 5 am. Shortly thereafter one of his friends living closer to him contacted me, after they were contacted by his mother ... and told me the news.

The pain I felt right there and then was overwhelming. Up to the point of me wanting to follow him. From November 8th I kept a journal, expecting to die anytime soon ... Roughly 19 days later, on November the 25th, I had a dream where I felt as if I was drowning in total blackness, as if I couldn't breathe, just slowly sinking deeper ... And that is when someone tackled me, and I woke with my heart racing all of a sudden. I think that was him as well - there was once again no face ... no body ... but I also do not have any big visual experience that I could tie to him ...

 Did you ONLY sense an awareness of presence of the deceased without actually seeing, hearing, feeling or smelling them?          No

 Did you hear the deceased or hear something associated with the deceased?   No

 Did you feel a touch or experience any physical contact from the deceased?   Yes

 Within the dream I was touched ... well where a lover would touch you (on your butt ...)

            Was the touch familiar or unfamiliar? As we had only online contact, that touch was a) not at all familiar but b) something he would have done

           Was anything communicated by the touch? I do not know. I can only guess ...

            Is there any possibility what you felt was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?      No. I was alone. In my bed.

 Did you see the deceased?       No

 Did you smell a distinct smell, scent, fragrance or odor associated with the deceased?       No

 How long did the experience last?      The loneliness until I fell asleep,

the touches in the dreams woke me instantly.

 Was the beginning and end of the experience gradual or more sudden?          The beginning of the feeling was sudden. The touches in the dream were sudden, and ended as fast, as they woke me.

 Could you sense the emotions or mood of the deceased?         No

 Did the deceased give you information you did not previously know? No.

 How do you currently view the reality of your experience?         Experience was definitely real

           Please explain why you view the reality of your experience as real or not real:   I am thinking especially of my dreams, as I had never any physical sensations from my dreams before. Never.

           Was the experience dream like in any way?  Yes

 Two of those were dreams ... So that makes them dream like?

 Describe in detail your feelings/emotions during the experience:        One: Feeling very lonely ... in my first dream ... nothing really, the big hammer came after that, as for my second dream ... before sleep, and probably after, I was still in the mood for wanting my life to end somehow (Betting on a Broken Heart Syndrome).

 Was there any emotional healing in any way following the experience?          Uncertain

 See question 24. Although it still was a very long and arduous process ... and yet I still think that my heart may have taken damage through it all.

 What was the best and worst part of your experience?  I can't see either.

 Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?      No                     

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?        No

What emotions did you feel during the experience?         All in all still the stress of loss.

The only thing that helped me get back was this - I guess in another dream induced - fear of just ceasing to exist. Of total nothingness after death ...

 Was the experience witnessed or experienced by others?         Uncertain

 I did tell others right then what I felt: Extremely lonely.

 Did you have any sense of altered space or time?  Uncertain

 Once again, Dream. Dreams are always altered space or time.

 Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?    Uncertain

 This is a tough one. I have had contact with some people online that were in a difficult emotional state ... and there where times when it felt as if I knew exactly what to tell them. And a moment where I felt that leaving me behind ...

 Did you become aware of future events?      Uncertain

 In hindsight, I had a dream that could be interpreted as predicting the future. But the contents of the dream were still pretty ... open to interpretation.

 Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?           No

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?          Uncertain

 Well, Dreams are somewhat a separation of consciousness from the body ... but only somewhat ...Did you meet or see any other beings other than the deceased?       Uncertain

 I dreamed a lot before that, and after. Most dreams are just ... dreams. But there may be some that felt somewhat significant or unusual.

 Did you see a light?        No

 Did any part of your experience seem to occur in a place other than the location described above?        No

 Have you shared this experience with others?      

Uncertain     I did share some of my dreams ... but those are often just seen as dreams.

 Have you shared this experience formally or informally with any other researcher or web site?   No

  Is there anything else you would like to add regarding your experience?          I guess ... I was honing my mind with guided meditations (although I think I fell asleep in most of those).

 Were there any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience? No

 Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?          No 

Did you ever in your life have a near-death experience, out of body experience or other spiritual event?    No 

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?                    Yes