I had just finished lunch in my private studio next to the wallpaper factory that I owned. I was in deep grief over the condition of my lover, Ricardo C, but had no idea that he was going to die that day, as he had been sick for a long time and we were somewhat estranged. I fell to my knees and prayed with all my heart (to no one in particular, I was just at my rope's end) for the strength to forgive all that had happened between us. I felt some sort of a whoosh and from this point on I'm only speaking the best I can, as I was in a different dimension where words like 'hear, see' etc. really don't apply.

I saw Ricardo in front of me, but he was made entirely of light. The light swirled around him almost like liquid mercury and instead of the shriveled body lying in a hospital 35 miles to the south, he was what I can only describe as beatified - beautiful beyond description and radiating pure unconditional love. The love was light and the light was love. He took me with him and we looked down upon the earth below where I saw him and his friends playing like children, and I realized that they meant no harm to anyone, and like children they were not fully responsible for their actions. All this was taking place in a world of absolute nonjudgemental love, and the love that was streaming from him transformed me and my view of his world.

I was very aware that there was no such thing as time - everything was simultaneous and everything could be known all at once. It was such an incredible experience that I still use the term whenever I try to explain it to someone: everything was simultaneous, and everything was light and unconditional love.

I returned to my body and I think I remember I was breathing heavily from the enormity of the experience.

All my life I had carried a heavy burden of anger and resentment from having an abusive mother. I stood up and asked Ricardo, who was no longer visible, if there was any way he could lift some of this pain from my shoulders, as it was becoming unbearable. I wanted that unconditional love that flowed through him to cleanse me, if he could. To my amazement he reappeared in front of me, still made of light and still radiating pure love. He smiled and said "I am you mother".   I was shocked to the core of my existence because I didn't understand what he meant. But he was gone again, and that was the end of our contact.

When I came to my wits I realized that he must have died when he visited me. Then the phone rang, and to my surprise a friend told me that he had gone into a coma in San Francisco and was expected to die soon. I replied "He was here! He was here! I saw him!" but no one knew what to make of what I was saying.

His mother, who had nursed him through a long and heartbreaking illness, had been raised in a convent in El Salvador and was a devout Catholic. When I arrived at the hospital, I could sense her fear that if his homosexual lover was by his side when he died, that he might be punished for his sins. I was aware of her suffering, her love for him, and her wish that he might be allowed to enter her understanding of heaven.  He was so weak he could not communicate in words, but I felt in my heart that everything between him and me had been already resolved through divine love and there was nothing left I needed to  do other than spare her more grief. So after spending some time at his side I left the hospital so that she could be with him in privacy when he died.

When I returned she graciously invited me to be alone with his dead body. I looked at his shrunken skeletal form and yellow skin, and still saw him as beautiful. But to my surprise the dead body held no interest for me - he wasn't in it, and I had seen his true form, which was not this corpse.

If I stop at this point it makes a good story, but in truth the experience didn't make my life a bed of roses in any way. It did give me some sort of internal strength that got me through to agony of the next few years, when many of my closest friends died of AIDS. After the initial glow of the NDE experience waned, I found myself once again caught in a spiral of grief and rage that took years to overcome. But once that was over, I was a better person for it.

My summary:

I left the hospital and hung out in a Burger King while my lover died, but it was OK.

He gave me a parting message to free me from my anger and resentment, and I have failed to understand it for the past 33 years. I'm not particularly proud of that, but I am still working on it. I guess he had a great sense of humor...

At the time of your experience was there an associated life-threatening event?   Yes  I was in perfect physical health. My lover was very sick from AIDS and had been near death several times but recovered. I learned after my experience that he had gone into a coma in a hospital 35 miles away at the time he appeared in my studio, made of light.

Was the experience difficult to express in words?  Yes     We can only use words from this plane to describe this state of expanded consciousness, and the words of this plane fall short. I'm always dubious of stories about beings made of light that serve as guides in the beyond, but that's what happened to me. It sounds hokey, but when it happens it is indescribably transcendent.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?      When we traveled together and looked down at the earth

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness?      More consciousness and alertness than normal   It is beyond explanation. Everything was simultaneous - there was no time, only infinite love and light.

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.   There is no direct comparison - there you can see everything past and future all at once

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.   I say that Ricardo said something, but it was not in words, it was telepathic

Did you see or hear any earthly events that were occurring during a time that your consciousness / awareness was apart from your physical / earthly body?   No  

What emotions did you feel during the experience?   Unconditional universal love, and compassion when we looked down at the earth  

Did you pass into or through a tunnel?   No  

Did you see an unearthly light?   Yes   Everything was light, and the light itself was love

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice?   I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
I can't say that is was unearthly, as Ricardo was identifiable, but as I mentioned previously, he was beatified and made of light.

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)?   No  

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings?   Yes   Ricardo, who was still alive in the hospital, but in a coma.

Did you become aware of past events in your life during your experience?   No  

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world?   A clearly mystical or unearthly realm

Did time seem to speed up or slow down?   Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
Everything was simultaneous, which makes no logical sense in this realm, but perfect sense in that state of expanded consciousness.

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything?   No

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?   No

Did you come to a border or point of no return?   No

Did scenes from the future come to you?  No 

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness suggesting that there either is (or is not) continued existence after earthly life (“life after death”)?   Yes   Ricardo appeared as a body made of light. I honestly have no idea if that was a transitional state or a permanent state, as I returned to my body after he showed me the children playing on earth.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that God or a supreme being either does (or does not) exist?   Uncertain   I have trouble with the word God. I was a part of an infinite loving consciousness. And that is the point - I was a part of it, not separate from it.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that you either did (or did not) exist prior to this lifetime?   No  

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that a mystical universal connection or unity/oneness either does (or does not) exist?   Yes   Simple: all is one, and that all is cosmic love/light

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s meaning or purpose?   Yes   If all is one, everyone on earth plays their part, and should be loved, not judged.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s difficulties, challenges, or hardships?   Yes   Same answer as #36 - we should not judge others, but love them

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding love?   Yes   Love is the warp and weft of the universe and the only thing that matters. We are all connected in ways that we cannot understand at this level of consciousness.

During your experience, did you encounter any other specific information / awareness that you have not shared in other questions that is relevant to living our earthly lives?   No  

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge or purpose?   Yes   That my judgment of Ricardo was wrong.

What occurred during your experience included:   Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience   I understood the power of unconditional love and universal consciousness, but failed completely to understand what he meant when he said "I am your mother". Thirty three years later I am still trying to understand it.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience?   I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of th   It was a once in a lifetime event and in its power and lucidity can't be compared to any other experience at our normal level of consciousness. It was light years away from anything I have ever experienced.

Discuss any changes that might have occurred in your life after your experience:   Some of the anger and resentment that had shadowed my life was taken away - I think I became a better person. But I am amazed and a little disappointed in myself that after the experience I remain so fallible and human. It took years of work to recover from the pain and agony of my relationship with Ricardo.

My experience directly resulted in:   Large changes in my life

Did you have any changes in your values or beliefs after the experience that occurred as a result of the experience?   Yes   I know we all are part of a higher state of consciousness. And I mean all, not just the good people, but everyone.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience?   No  

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you?     The absolute certainty that there is no time in that higher state of consciousness, and that we are all linked in ways that we cannot understand (and perhaps don't need to understand) at this earthly level of consciousness. But divine love is the essence of that higher consciousness. Also, the experience was not ponderous - I mean as incredible as it was, it was suffused with what could best be described as loving sense of humor. Sort of like the laughing Buddha concept. And there was no judgement.

Have you ever shared this experience with others?   Yes  I told our mutual friends at the hospital that I had seen him in my studio. I don't think they really believed it, or at least did not understand. Then I told my family and all my closest friends. So many people were dying of AIDS in San Francisco, and I talked about with my friends who were sick in hopes that they would take comfort from it.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?   Uncertain   Of course after the event I tried to learn everything I could about NDE as the described events were identical to my experience. I'm not sure if I had any prior knowledge.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:   Experience was definitely real   After you experience that expanded consciousness, it is this world that appears unreal, not the world of light and love.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience at the current time:   Experience was definitely real   It was the clearest consciousness I have ever experienced.

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?   Yes   I was a workaholic, trying to prove myself worthy of love, and neglected Ricardo's needs. When I finally fell in love again twelve years later, I retired and put my efforts into being a loving companion. It has healed the hole in my heart.

Have your religious beliefs/spiritual practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?   Yes   I try to remember that love and laughter are the most important things in life. That's my religion, if you could call it that...

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience?   No  

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience?   Only that I am so amazed that I could never understand what was meant by 'I am your mother'. I guess I'll get the answer when I die. Maybe it is as simple as replacing all judgment with compassion. That's a work in progress.

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?   Uncertain   I admire what you have done - it's not easy to talk about one state of consciousness when you are in different one. I felt a little strange about the God questions as God is such a divisive topic.  The bible says 'I am a jealous God' and that is not what I experienced. I am more comfortable with substituting consciousness for the word God. If anyone believes that God is Love, that's pretty much what I think: they are one in the same. And we don't have to argue about Love.