I am reminded of my father daily when I am drawn to look at the clock at 11:11.  He served in the British army, so Remembrance Day and the 11th hour ceremonies have always reminded me of him.

At the time of my mothers death, she was legally blind and hadn't read or written anything in many months. About two weeks after her passing, I went to my room, and on the floor was a piece of paper, with my name on it, in my mothers hand-writing.  It was a letter thanking me for caring for her when she needed it and loving me.  It was a letter I had long forgotten about, that she had written when she was very sick and she thought she was dying, several tears prior.  All the words seemed so comforting and I couldn't explain how it got on the floor of my room at that time.  The letter that my mother had also written to my brother, years prior, had also appeared on my brothers desk at the same time mine appeared on the floor.

Last summer, I traveled south to bring my older son to college. Every time we stepped outside of our vehicle or any building a monarch butterfly would stay around us.  It became so as we would comment on its constant presence, even after driving miles. On the drive to heading home, Eric Clapton's 'Tears in Heaven" came on the radio. I thought to myself 'I can't imagine what its like to lose a child' I arrived home to find my younger son hanging.  This was traumatic, needless to say. The event that happened 2 nights later was also traumatic, to me.  I haven't talked about it because of any stigma attached to such things. I also don't think its a post-traumatic hallucination.

I was upset and crying for 2 days, understandably. Unable to sleep and wondering 'why?' I went to my sons bed and lay down, wanting to be close to him. The house suddenly shuddered violently - was it an explosion, a vehicle hitting the house? It felt like it originated inside the house - why wasn't I rushing to see what it was, I didn't want to move.  I began to hear a choking-like sound - is it the dog, I wondered? It got a little louder - no it's not the dog- it's choking-like, but not choking, there was no breath of air sound. It got quieter and then stopped. All of this took between 5 to 8 seconds. I couldn't move, I knew that I had just felt and heard the final seconds of my son's life.

I'm not sure what message this was to send me, if any.  Any comfort is that it he would have been unconscious fairly quickly. I don't know what else to make of it.

I do know that I cannot doubt that there is something after death. I have faith in a higher power.

Background Information:

Was this experience difficult to express in words?        No

Did you ONLY sense an awareness of presence of the deceased without actually seeing, hearing, feeling or smelling them?          No

Did you hear the deceased or hear something associated with the deceased?       Yes

          Describe what you heard, how clearly you heard it and what was communicated:          I heard/felt the sound and impact that jumping from a height to hang, had on the house. The whole house shuddered, originating from the rafter that my son chose.

I heard a sound that I have never heard before, it was choking, but without air. Not coughing, not quite choking. It's hard to describe, but was unmistakable as struggling for air.

          Did the voice or sound seem to originate externally or outside of you, inside you, or did you not hear a voice or sound, but had a sense of knowing what was communicated?          The sound originated outside of me, down the hall from where I was.  The whole house shuddered, it felt like something exploded or hit the house. But it was one quick action and then the choking sounds started.

          If you heard a voice or sound, was it similar or dissimilar from the voice or sound the deceased made when they were alive?    I have never heard anything like it.

          Is there any possibility what you heard was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience? The dog was asleep downstairs. My husband was asleep downstairs.  This all occurred upstairs.

          Was there any possible impairment to your hearing at the time of the experience?       No.

Did you feel a touch or experience any physical contact from the deceased?       No

Did you see the deceased?       No

Did you smell a distinct smell, scent, fragrance or odor associated with the deceased? No

How long did the experience last?      Father - daily

mother - one occurrence, a letter

son - the butterflies hovered around for maybe five days before my son took his life.  The experience after his death was between 5 and 10 seconds.

Was the beginning and end of the experience gradual or more sudden?      The experience was sudden, fast, shocking and over suddenly.

Could you sense the emotions or mood of the deceased?          No

Did the deceased give you information you did not previously know?          I understood that the physical struggle to breath was brief.

How do you currently view the reality of your experience?          Experience was definitely real

          Please explain why you view the reality of your experience as real or not real:   It was real because I felt it physically and I heard it, plain as day.  It was not an hallucination or a post-traumatic episode.

          Was the experience dream like in any way?  No

Describe in detail your feelings/emotions during the experience:  I was afraid and in disbelief. I couldn't move to see what it was because I was afraid of what I might see.  I knew my son was dead  and then I heard and felt the impact of his moment of death,  I lay in bed for several minutes after , afraid to move, afraid of what I might see.

Was there any emotional healing in any way following the experience? Uncertain

I don't know how hearing/feeling the instant of my son's death could be healing.  I know it was over fairly quickly.

Several weeks later, I caught a statement on a documentary about Nazi Germany, and prisoner hangings.  The person commented that some people took up to 10 minutes to die from hanging.  Maybe this was my comfort?

What was the best and worst part of your experience?     The best part is knowing of an after-life and the possibility of seeing my family again. 

The worst part was hearing the final moment of my sons life.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience? No