My mother died in 2012 from pancreatic cancer. We had a loving, but tumultuous, relationship, mostly stemming from the fact that she was disabled with cerebral palsy all of her life and then got very ill (before the cancer) and needed a lot of assistance and help from me as child/teen/young adult. It really drained me, never knowing when she was going to call for me or need something, as I am an introvert who needs a lot of alone time. That, plus she was sort of unhappy in her marriage to my dad and due to illness was forced to stay home all the time and she didn't really have many hobbies, so she was very interested in spending a lot of time with me. Anyway, I could go on forever about this, but suffice it to say: my mother loved me with ALL of her heart and I loved her right back, but there were definitely a lot of arguments over the years.

Anyway, fast forward to 2016. I had a bad argument with my boyfriend of two years over his erectile dysfunction issues and my subsequent feelings of not feeling attractive enough for him despite his insistence that his issue had nothing to do with me. My mother and her death was NOT something that was on my mind at all. I selected 'slightly grieving' from the questionnaire anyway because in a way I guess aren't we all slightly grieving all the time after a loved one passes? But it was certainly not something that was on my mind that evening. I had dreams about my mother in the past, but it was never 'her' by any means, she was always just playing a role like a side character. On this particular night, however, after this really bad argument with my boyfriend, I fell asleep crying my eyes out with the feeling of 'this is it, I think I have to break up with him, we're done' despite the fact that I really did want to be with him and loved him a lot, but it all just felt very hopeless and I began questioning if we should be together. As such, I fell asleep like that: a total wreck, crying, thinking I am going to have to break up with him, that I have no choice.

At some point in the night, during sleep, I find myself back in my childhood kitchen. My mother is there, looking pretty good and healthy and exuding love. Unlike all of my previous dreams with her in it, I knew quite well that my mother was dead and that she was here to visit me. There was no question of it. It was like I just KNEW somehow. And even though I had never experienced anything like it before, it all just felt very natural, almost like 'oh, of course my mom is here. DUH why wouldn't she be', as though I should have expected it. Even though nothing like this had ever happened to me before. In contrast to other dreams I've had, this one did not feel chaotic or out of control. Not only that, but I was also completely lucid and totally aware that I was asleep, that my mother was taking over my mind temporarily to visit me, but it also wasn't like any lucid dream I had ever had before. It wasn't even really a dream at all. Normally when I lucid dream, I feel in control and excited to play around and make stuff happen, but in this case with my mother, I just 'knew' intuitively that SHE was the one in control. That SHE was the one who had initiated contact. I just knew it. Like it wasn't even a question. I had never had that or felt that before in my LIFE and I had dealt with a variety of sleep/dream phenomena. This was very, very different. I knew my mother was dead and that she was visiting me in my sleep. I knew I was asleep and though I was lucid, I was NOT in control. Everything felt calm and orderly, like a completely normal conversation. There was no chaos or fear like in a normal dream.

My mother takes a seat on one of our kitchen chairs and I sit directly in front of her on the floor and put my head in her lap. She holds me lovingly and asks me just one question: 'Are you happy?'

I knew intuitively what she meant: 'Am I happy in my current relationship'. And despite everything that had happened that evening with the argument with my boyfriend - the crying and the feeling of wanting to break up - I was forced to REALLY contemplate her question in a calm, loving state. Was I happy? The answer, much to my surprise, was yes! Yes, I was happy! I, myself, was even surprised. I nodded and said 'Yeah. Yeah, I am happy.' And then my mother told me she 'has to go now' and that I should 'go back to bed' in a loving tone (though she wasn't really speaking with her mouth? It was more like mental.) I, jokingly, made a rhyme and said 'Go back to dead' with laughter in my voice. In hindsight, this seems like a super weird thing to say, but in the experience, we were both 'laughing' even though it was more mental/telepathic. We both knew she wasn't really dead, that her spirit was OK, and so it made the joke OK too.

The next part is what really solidified the real feeling for me, though, even though it did feel very real up until then, too. Unlike with most of my dreams that typically devolve into chaos or transition to deep sleep never to be remembered, I INSTANTLY (directly after my mom said she 'had to go') opened my eyes. Slowly, and peacefully, unhurriedly opened my eyes. And then suddenly it was like I was just overcome with a profound rush of happiness and warmth. Like my mother was literally hugging me with her energy body or rushing through me, and leaving me with the most all-encompassing feeling of PEACE that I had ever felt. Such a total opposite from how I felt earlier while falling asleep, crying and upset. I grinned like a dummy and gripped at my own shoulder. It felt like she was THERE with me. I just knew she was. It FELT it.

Shortly after this experience (as well as a few bouts of recurrent sleep paralysis and two OBEs) I began reading more and more about near death experiences and related phenomena. After reading hundreds of them at this point and noticing distinct patterns and similarities that connect them all, I began to grow more spiritual as a person. I didn't know it at the time, but knowing what I know now from NDEs and soul plans/contracts/reincarnation etc, I really do think that my Mom was forced to come to me and intervene to stop me from breaking up with my boyfriend. She came to make me see that I really am happy with him (despite the issue we were having) and that we are supposed to be together in this life. But instead of 'telling' me that, she knew she had to pose it as a question for me to see for myself, which is why she asked 'Are you happy?' Because I am the type of person who does NOT like being told what to do. I like to figure things out for myself. And she knew that. :)

Was this experience difficult to express in words?     Yes

The feeling of just pure love and peace that came over me after it was over, as well as the knowing that it was real

Did you ONLY sense an awareness of presence of the deceased without actually seeing, hearing, feeling or smelling them?      No

Did you hear the deceased or hear something associated with the deceased?          Yes

          Describe what you heard, how clearly you heard it and what was communicated:   Spoke to my mother in my sleep and saw her

          Did the voice or sound seem to originate externally or outside of you, inside you, or did you not hear a voice or sound, but had a sense of knowing what was communicated?     I didn't actually see her lips move. It was more like she was speaking to me mentally/telepathically.

          If you heard a voice or sound, was it similar or dissimilar from the voice or sound the deceased made when they were alive?     It was similar and very loving

          Is there any possibility what you heard was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?   No, it was pretty specific

          Was there any possible impairment to your hearing at the time of the experience?   No

Did you feel a touch or experience any physical contact from the deceased?         Yes

Upon opening my eyes, I felt a rush of peace and love flow through me and it felt as though she was hugging me.

            Was the touch familiar or unfamiliar? Yes but also a flood of peace that I had never felt while hugging my mother in normal life. This was almost an unearthly amount of love and peace.

          Was anything communicated by the touch? It felt like she was hugging me

            Is there any possibility what you felt was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?   No

Did you see the deceased?       Uncertain

I saw my mother clearly but for the part I saw her, I was technically asleep and so I checked 'uncertain'

            How clearly did the deceased appear?            Very clearly

            How much of the deceased did you see?       All of them

            Did the deceased appear or not appear to be the age at which they died?           She looked healthier and younger but to be honest I wasn't paying that much attention to her appearance. She immediately sat down and pulled my head into her lap and held me.

            How healthy did the deceased appear to be?            She seemed healthier and more able than when she was sick/died, yes

            Is there any possibility what you saw was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?   No

Did you smell a distinct smell, scent, fragrance or odor associated with the deceased? No

How long did the experience last?      A few minutes

Was the beginning and end of the experience gradual or more sudden?       Hmm... gradual in the sense that my eyes opened very slowly and deliberately after she said she has to go, and then the rush of peace I felt lingered for a while after she left. But it was sudden in the sense that the entire experience came on suddenly without warning.

Could you sense the emotions or mood of the deceased?          Yes

I could feel her love for me, her genuineness. I knew that even though I was supposed to be with my boyfriend that she would have accepted my answer of 'no' if I genuinely wasn't happy with him. but I was, and she knew that. We communicated a lot without saying anything. The laughter was mental.

Did the deceased give you information you did not previously know?  No, it all just felt very natural. Like of course she would be visiting me. I didn't feel compelled to ask 'why are you here' or 'how is this possible' even though I was 100% lucid and aware I was alseep. It all just felt like it was supposed to be and I was at peace with the fact that it was occurring.

How do you currently view the reality of your experience?          Experience was probably real

          Please explain why you view the reality of your experience as real or not real:   I actually believe it was definitely real but there is always a part of me that is open possibilities. So I will go with probably real. Though really i do know it was real.

          Was the experience dream like in any way?  No

Describe in detail your feelings/emotions during the experience:  Completely at peace. Happy. Both surprised and not surprised to see my mom.

Was there any emotional healing in any way following the experience? Yes

I felt a sense that everything is going to be okay. I no longer thought about breaking up with my boyfriend. I felt content and happy knowing my mother still loves me and is in a better place and that everything that happened, is happening, and will happen is for a greater purpose and is supposed to happen.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?     It was wonderful all around but I guess that it was over so soon. I would have liked more time with my mom but she only came for that 1 purpose of getting me back on track.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience? Yes                Describe:     Gained more interest in what happens after we die