My Dad died after a little more than a year of struggling with stage 4 cancer (amelanotic melanoma which had spread throughout the whole abdomen and spine). We had a really special bond and I loved him (still love him) till the moon and back. The last 4 month I took a timeout from work and moved in with my parents so that I was able to care for my Dad. Even though it wasn't easy all the time, these last months with my Dad have been the most valuable and precious in my life. I was given the gift of being able to hold his hand until his very last breath. It wasn't a peaceful transition, as he was really struggling to let go. So these pictures of him, struggling to die, are still in my head and made it really hard for me to find peace with his death.

A few days after his death my Mom told me that he had visited her at night. She told me, that she felt an enormous energy going through her body and that she was overwhelmed and really happy. It really helped her overcome the extreme sadness. Sometimes I also thought he might be near, as I had a feeling of a presence near me when sitting on the couch reading. It felt like someone had just put his hand above my head and sometimes I also felt a ticklish feeling at my nose, eyes or cheek. But those feelings were so subtle that I often thought I was just imagining it. At his funeral, when I was almost about to collapse, out of a sudden I saw a very warm and bright orange or almost red light with closed eyes and the right side of my belly felt extremely warm. I think this was Dad telling me, not to be so sad any more. But still, I was doubting if I was making that all up. Also, it troubled me a little that my Mom had received this clear sign and I was just experiencing subtle things that might be pure imagination. So I was begging my Dad for a clear sign for days, but still didn't get any answer.

Then two weeks after his death and exactly three days after his funeral I hit rock bottom. I was just crying the whole day, I visited Dad's grave but couldn't find any inner peace. I have never been that depressed and sad in my whole life before. I guess it was due to the extreme sobbing that I got a severe migraine which wasn't getting any better. So I went to bed really early and hoped to fall asleep soon. Although I was extremely tired, I couldn't find any sleep and was lying awake for hours tossing and turning. Around 10 p.m. I was lying on my left side and tried to turn around another time, when I suddenly noticed, that I was not able to turn backwards. It was a feeling as if my boyfriend was directly in bed behind me, but as he wasn't there that night, this couldn't be true. I then thought of a pillow that might hinder me in turning, but there was no pillow behind me. So I tried another time to turn around but still there was this very strong power that was leaning against my body. Then out of a sudden I felt an enormous energy going through my body. It started at my feet and went up until the top of my head. It felt like getting electrocuted, but in a positive way. This current passed my body three times and it was so powerful, that my heart was racing. I had no control over my body anymore and couldn't move. My mood switched between pure joy and gratitude but also fear, as I hadn't felt that way before and as I was losing all control over my body. The feeling of not being able to turn your own body around anymore was scaring me, but the rise of pure energy in my body also made me feel ecstatic. So I told my Dad that I was so happy that he was giving me a visit and that I was finally getting my clear sign. All this conversation started in a telepathic way as I was not able to speak. The second time the energy traveled through my body, I could feel a firm embrace. It felt so tight, that I was struggling to breathe. Then it felt like a large hand was grabbing underneath my right side, right under my arm, and then I felt tickled like crazy. I gasped for air but still was struggling to breathe, as the tickling went on. I begged my Dad to stop the tickling, still in a telepathic way, as I was not able to speak, although I tried to scream out loud. I opened my mouth but was unable to speak, there was no noise leaving my body. Then the third power current rose through my body. I now completely felt that I was totally out of control. The hug got even stronger and I felt another tickling. Then, out of a sudden, the whole experience came to an end.

My body then lay calmly and every single cell of my body started to feel like pins and needles. The energy flow before felt extremely strong, but rather like a shudder. What I was feeling now was pure warmth going through my whole body. My heart was still pounding like crazy but I tried to calm myself down with the knowledge, that my Dad had just visited me. But I couldn't help feeling extremely excited and nervous and I was unable to fall asleep. As I heard noises around me I switched on the light. I put my blanket aside and realized that my whole body was soaked with sweat. I sat up and tried to realize what had just happened but I was still too overwhelmed and had a feeling, that I wouldn't find sleep alone. So I took my pillow and blanket and moved down to my Mom's bedroom. I told her what had just happened and while telling her, I realized that the strong hug and the tickling was definitely a sign from my Dad. The last few months my Dad had lost all his strength and I wasn't able to hug him properly anymore. But back in the days he used to hug me until I was struggling to breathe and then he also tickled me the way he did that night. It feels so crazy, having experienced such a physical visit, sometimes I still can't believe what has happened. But this experience definitely helped me with my grief.

There are still days when I'm sad and miss my Dad like crazy. But I now know that my Dad isn't gone forever, he's just in another reality and he is able to pay me a visit. That is extremely calming. I needed a few days before I was able to sleep on my own again, as this extreme physical phenomenon had scared me, even though I was so happy to finally get a sign. So after that night I didn't get any further visit for a few weeks. I think this was due to me being scared so much. I know I'm so stupid, finally I get what I was begging for all the time and then I'm scared. I felt really guilty and told my Dad that I was sorry that his visit scarred me so much.

Now after a few weeks I got more of his visits, but in a more moderate way. When he's now paying me visits, I don't feel any hug nor tickle just pure energy rising through my body. The last few visits were right in the middle of the night, when I woke up out of a dream and half asleep, I felt the energy running through my body. I'm now really happy, when I get a visit. I'm sometimes still scared when I hear strange noises, but the pure electric energy in my body just feels amazing.

Was this experience difficult to express in words? Yes

I have never had such a physical experience before, not being able to turn around, losing all control over your body. It's hard describing it to others, as most of them wonn't believe you.

Did you ONLY sense an awareness of presence of the deceased without actually seeing, hearing, feeling or smelling them?      No

Did you hear the deceased or hear something associated with the deceased?       No

Did you feel a touch or experience any physical contact from the deceased?       Yes

an extreme energy running throughout the whole body combined with a feeling of being embraced and tickled

            Was the touch familiar or unfamiliar? it was familiar as I remembered afterwards, that my Dad always used to hug and tickle me this ways years ago

          Was anything communicated by the touch? just pure energy

            Is there any possibility what you felt was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience? didn't hear anything, just felt the touch

Did you see the deceased?       No

Did you smell a distinct smell, scent, fragrance or odor associated with the deceased? No

How long did the experience last?      it's really hard to give concrete numbers, I guess around 5-10 minutes max

Was the beginning and end of the experience gradual or more sudden?      sudden

Could you sense the emotions or mood of the deceased?          No

Did the deceased give you information you did not previously know?          no, unfortunately not

How do you currently view the reality of your experience?          Experience was definitely real

          Please explain why you view the reality of your experience as real or not real:   felt it physically, it was so intense that I couldn't sleep on my own for a few following nights

          Was the experience dream like in any way?  No

Describe in detail your feelings/emotions during the experience:  I definitely hit rock bottom that day, was crying the whole day, had a severe headache and was completely depressed and sad as never before

Was there any emotional healing in any way following the experience? Yes

It helped me in my grieving process, as I now know that my Dad is still with me

What was the best and worst part of your experience?     It was great to finally get a clear sign. Worst part was not being able to control my body anymore, which was definitely the most scary part.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience? Yes                Describe:     it helped me with my grief, getting over my Dad's death