Last week I wished Carol a Happy Birthday out loud (since I live alone now)...I told her how I would never stop loving her and I was glad she was born.  I've been concerned lately about a dream I had a week before her birthday where she came to me and dispassionately said "I'm going to have to let you go."  I don't want that to happen, and it made my grief come back in the week before this experience.

 Anyway, most mornings I think of her as I wake up...and this time I remembered how we used to smile at each other...the mutual smile was a big part of our living relationship. The thought of the smile made me feel like she was right there smiling back...and I suddenly had an intense feeling that something passed right through my body. It was like something passed through my tissues, in between my cells.  It came through from above me to my right, and passed through me on a diagonal, down to the left. I lost track of it as it quickly exited my body because I was engulfed in sudden warmth and love. The entire experience probably lasted about one or two seconds, but I felt a tremendous relief from the grief for quite awhile after that happened.

This experience has made me really wonder about this illusion we all carry around with us that we are solid beings.

Was this experience difficult to express in words? 

No

Did you ONLY sense an awareness of presence of the deceased without actually seeing, hearing, feeling or smelling them?           

No

Did you hear the deceased or hear something associated with the deceased?         

No

Did you feel a touch or experience any physical contact from the deceased?           

Yes

An "interleaving" of something about my size going through me from just below my eyes down to below my knees.

            Was the touch familiar or unfamiliar?  

Though it felt loving, I felt a neutrality about it...could not specifically identify it as my lost lover.

            Was anything communicated by the touch? 

Love and a momentary feeling of co-existence.

            Is there any possibility what you felt was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience? 

No.

Did you see the deceased?        

No

Did you smell a distinct smell, scent, fragrance or odor associated with the deceased?     

No

How long did the experience last?       

Maybe 3 minutes from the first remembrance of our smiles to it exiting my bedroom.  The actual co-existence seemed to be more of a passing through - not an occupation...so it lasted only 1 - 2 seconds.

Was the beginning and end of the experience gradual or more sudden?        

Sudden

Could you sense the emotions or mood of the deceased?          

Uncertain

Did the deceased give you information you did not previously know? 

Not this time.

How do you currently view the reality of your experience?          

Experience was probably real

            Please explain why you view the reality of your experience as real or not real:          

I usually don't have a problem separating memories from actual kinesthetic experience.

            Was the experience dream like in any way?  

Yes

I was just waking up...hadn't started processing goals or logistics of the day.  The memory of Carol's smile made me relax and take pleasure in what we used to have...so I think I was more subjective and open than usual.

Describe in detail your feelings/emotions during the experience:          

Surprise to feel something going through my body!  I had just been experiencing a pleasurable memory, and did not expect a feeling of something passing through me...but it didn't feel hostile at all, so I wasn't upset.  It certainly left me questioning what really happened. Just before it happened, I felt flooded with warmth and love and lightness.

Was there any emotional healing in any way following the experience?          

Yes

It seems that Carol has not completely "let me go". I felt pretty happy for most of the rest of the day.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?     

The smile memories and the warmth and love.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?        

No      

What other attitudes and beliefs about your experience do you currently have?         
Other belief    I have recently completed 24 lectures on Particle Physics by Steven Pollack from Colorado University.  I wonder if this new understanding of: 1. How much empty space is actually in "matter"  and 2. Just how much we really don't know about reality from a scientific standpoint.  I feel this might have enabled me to acknowledge this experience with more clarity.       

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?   No       Did the experience give you any spiritual understandings such as life, death, afterlife, God, etc.?  No       But other experiences since Carol's death have made me more open-minded about things that are beyond our normal perception. We humans go around thinking we "seen it all" when we can only see a tiny fraction of the total electromagnetic spectrum...the joke is on us and we are prone to hubris.

Death Compacts are when two or more living people promise among themselves that whoever dies first will try to contact the other(s).  Have you ever made such a compact?        Uncertain

Carol and I used to joke that we would meet each other back in the Old West and we would be cowboys...and this was before Brokeback Mountain"!

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          No
What emotions did you feel during the experience?            Questioning and puzzlement.

Was the experience witnessed or experienced by others?           No

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   Yes

Something was momentarily occupying what I thought was the space my body was occupying.

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?    Uncertain

The feeling was very strong and quickly passed - with no particular way to identify a personality associated with it.  I was left questioning my own sense of reality.

Have you shared this experience formally or informally with any other researcher or web site?   No

 Is there anything else you would like to add regarding your experience?       I wonder if other people have experienced this.

Were there any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?            No

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No 

Did you ever in your life have a near-death experience, out of body experience or other spiritual event?           Yes 

In college (many years ago) I had out of body experiences while asleep in my dorm room.  These stopped when I realized I had been smothered while being molested when I was six years old.

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?               Yes