My partner, JT, was nonbinary and uses he/him pronouns (shoutout to my fellow LGBTQIA+ folks). We were that lovey-dovey couple, always holding hands and flirting with each other via text. One thing I sometimes teased him about was his tendency to drop coins all around my apartment, his apartment, and his car--he used cash for most transactions and then left his loose change all over.

He died toward the end of June 2020 (not of coronavirus). Even in the midst of my grief, I remember joking with my sister when the coin shortage was announced: 'JT has died and now the entire economy is failing without him dropping spare change into circulation!'

At one point, I remember thinking 'at' him: 'Hey, love, you were always dropping spare change; it would be cool if you sent me some Pennies from Heaven.' I'd heard about pennies from heaven from reading Ann Landers' advice column in the newspaper as a kid and it always stuck with me.

I went with JT's parents to scatter his ashes in Lake Michigan. We hadn't planned super well ahead of time, and this resulted in some chaos as, on a beautiful late July day, we searched for a beach in Northern Indiana (where the rest of his family lived) that wasn't full of swimmers. This, as you might imagine, was difficult, but we did eventually find a quiet spot and had a bittersweet ceremony. Walking through the parking lot from the sand to his parents' car, I spotted a penny on the ground. I dropped it in my pocket, and his parents drove me to the spot where I'd parked my car to meet up with them. At that second location, I found a second penny. This was enough for me to show JT's mom. I used to spot a lot of coins as a kid, but I don't recall finding a lot of them in recent years, and it's very rare for me to find more than one within an hour. Given that and my earlier request to JT, I figured I could take it as a 'sign' that he was pleased with the ceremony we did for him, disorganized as it was (to be honest, he was a chaotic type of person, so I think it was fitting).

But even then, I wasn't entirely convinced. I've been an agnostic since high school and didn't want to have a false hope in an afterlife. I remember driving home to Wisconsin thinking that JT and I had been good to each other in our relationship, our last conversation was sweet and warm, so I had no unfinished business with him, but I hoped there *was* an afterlife if only so that he could have seen the ceremony and know we remembered him and wanted to comply with his wishes.

A few weeks later, in August, I asked aloud if he could send another penny--'I would really like to hear from you.' An image even flashed in my mind of a specific penny I might ask for: maybe one from the year of his birth, or more likely one from the current year, 2020. But I didn't want to narrow things down too much. After all, I don't think dead people have access to a Heavenly Mint and can pump out coins on demand. But I do think they might be able to sort of nudge things on Earth to put a sign in people's paths (like having certain songs play on the radio, etc).

About a week went by with no sign of pennies. I went through a minor existential crisis, processed some grief work, and went on with life as best as I could. And then one Wednesday morning, returning to my apartment from an errand, I spotted a shiny penny on the sidewalk. It was from 2020. Warmth spread through me and I practically skipped up the stairs to my home. I left the penny in front of JT's picture on my bookcase, where I was also keeping the two pennies I'd found in Indiana.

I asked for pennies not only because they fit with JT's coin-scattering ways, but because they were a physical object that would provide me with proof that something happened, not a vision or dream I could dismiss as being all in my head. And what I'd found so far strained coincidence, although I realized it still could be coincidental. Maybe I just found coins because I looked for them? A few times I found myself dreaming about finding piles of coins as a sign from my partner, and I woke up wishing that could happen. I figured that if JT was at all able to, he'd respond to my request with as much abundance as he could, just as he'd been giving and loving in life.

August 18th approached. This day marked the anniversary of a particular milestone in our relationship, and I was feeling both happy to have those good memories and gutted that we wouldn't have any more time together. I had an appointment that afternoon, and I walked down the street from my apartment to the downtown parking lot where I kept my car. With my eyes on the ground (not only to look for coins but to keep from tripping on uneven paving, etc) I spotted a coin lying at the edge of the street, near the gutter. I crouched down to pick it up. Then I spotted another. And another. A whole mass of pennies had been dropped there, in the corner of a street parking space.

It didn't 100% match my dreams, but it came close. There was one dream in particular where I'd been able to see JT, give him a hug (another thing--I'd asked aloud that night 'It would be great to see you again, in my dreams or anywhere. I'd like to give you a hug.' So as I woke from this dream I made sure to hug him and say thanks), and run around on characteristically wacky dreamtime adventures--part of that had involved finding a whole bunch of coins scattered on the sidewalk. Here I was, crouched on the sidewalk, picking up a handful of coins. I checked in with myself and found I was awake, not dreaming. 'What the F--?' I said out loud, because this was weird, and it actually kind of spooked me. The agnostic 'I wouldn't bet on an afterlife' worldview I'd had cracked down the middle, and it left me with nothing but a lot of questions. Oh, and 35 pennies. I counted them out as I put them in a pottery cup that I keep in my apartment, physical proof that I didn't dream that experience up, at least.

I figured if I was going to believe in spirits and an afterlife I might give prayer a try. In particular, I said some prayers for the dead that stem from my Catholic background (even though I no longer believe in Catholic doctrine) and making other rituals up (for example, lighting a candle and reading Adrienne Rich’s 'Tattered Kaddish' for people who have died by suicide). I prayed less for JT than for other people whose deaths were harder and whose fate I felt more uncertain of, and for the loved ones of a lot of people I'd met in my online grief support group. JT was so far as I know agnostic too, but he was an occultist and knew the value of a good ritual. As I headed out on some errands before beginning my one-woman prayer service, I stopped by JT's picture on the shelf said, 'If you'd like to join me for this, you can send me another penny as a sign.' I found a shiny one square in front of the checkout counter at CVS. So that was a nice surprise, and while I didn't have a concrete sense of his presence while I did the ritual--I don't think I'm 'sensitive' enough for that--I felt intellectually confident that I had him backing me up, which made me feel less alone as I confronted my and others' grief.

Three more incidents:

I was visiting another town with my mother and a close friend, and feeling lonely, so I asked JT in my mind if he'd like to send me another penny. Sure enough, I spotted one on the sidewalk not long after, and it made me feel significantly calmer (I remember thinking 'It's like the universe is saying to me, 'Why don't you take a penny and maybe you'll calm down?''). As we headed back to the car, I thought 'What if I find a second one?' but didn't really expect it. Except as I opened the door, I looked down and there at my feet was a very shiny 1999 penny. It certainly wasn't there when we'd gotten out of the car. To be clear, I’m pretty sure these are pennies being dropped out of mortal humans’ pockets and purses, but the placement and timing of them have been fortuitous. And I did get some shiver of the uncanny as I found that second one (not an unpleasant shiver, either) along with the faint dopamine hit of satisfaction I’d have gotten if my partner had texted me to say hi and remind me what an intelligent, beautiful goddess I am. However, the fact is two round pieces of copper are no substitute from sitting with my partner, cuddling, and talking about how smart and gorgeous we both are. I actually had a heavy crying breakdown later that evening and it wasn't entirely the fault of the pennies, but they didn't help either.

On another day, I found a penny on the sidewalk and then a dime in the parking space next to my car, and then a quarter later that day. I was impressed at the escalating value of my discoveries (a whole 35 cents!...well, it's not the monetary value I'm really after in these) and once again felt confident JT was returning my love in as much abundance as possible, in the way I'd asked for it. That was at the end of August, and haven't been finding quite as many pennies since then, but in a way I think the larger coins were a sign of that--letting me know thoroughly enough that I don't have to keep asking. And honestly, the fact that weeks can go by without me finding any pennies makes me feel that much more confident that the ones I found in August weren't just lucky coincidences.

Lastly, JT's friends and found family in Wisconsin held a memorial for him in mid-September. Before I headed to the park where we were meeting (outdoors so we could socially distance, and looking over Lake Michigan), I said out loud, 'I hope you're able to join us. I'll take a penny as a sign that you are, but even if I don't find one I'm sure you'll be there anyway.' As I headed to my car, I spotted one on the sidewalk, and might have made a bit of a sight as I bent down to pick it up and said 'Thank you!' cheerfully out loud. Honestly, it felt good to tell his friends 'I asked JT to give me a penny if he was joining us...and here it is! Oh yeah, I also found 35 of them the other week, and two when we scattered his ashes.'

The day after that, I was with my mom at an outdoor craft fair and I spotted a very shiny penny in the grass in front of one booth--a booth that was dealing in round dollar amounts, not handing out a lot of change, either. Anyway, I took that one as a sign saying 'Yes, love, I'm still here, always, whether or not you ask for these.' (Not in an exasperated way, but 'You don't need to keep asking' was a conclusion I'd been heading too over the past few weeks in any event).

I haven't found other pennies since then, although I did pick up a 2005 Jefferson buffalo nickel yesterday (I just looked this up, and a Google search suggests it's worth at least 37 cents...huh. A little more than the 35 cents I'd found two previous times!). I had to look a bit to find it--not just having my eyes on the ground, but actually peering in a gap between one of the old downtown building and the sidewalk. So my finding it might just be chalked up to my looking very hard. I even said as I came home and rinsed the dust off it, 'I'm not sure what message I should read in this, if any.' But yesterday was a personal career milestone for me (a book I've worked hard on was published) so perhaps it was JT celebrating. Or simply a prompt to get me talking about ADCs--last night I asked my mom about some odd experiences she's had, like seeing a light in the hospice room after my older cousin died. I told her about the pennies and explained my crying jag the day I'd found two with her. That was a warming and cathartic conversation. And today I finally felt ready to write up some words for ADCRF.

Was this experience difficult to express in words? No

How long did the experience last?      Sometimes I found a penny in a few minutes, sometimes I found multiple coins over the course of a few hours. I've kept all the coins in special places in my apartment (so I guess I'm not helping to fix the coin shortage either!)

Could you sense the emotions or mood of the deceased?          Uncertain

I sensed my own emotions primarily, but the pennies did seem to be 'signs' of an emotional connection.

How do you currently view the reality of your experience?          Experience was definitely real

          Please explain why you view the reality of your experience as real or not real:   You can't argue with 35 pennies. You can chalk my finding them up to a lucky coincidence, but it would be a VERY lucky coincidence, especially considering I found pennies on multiple significant occasions.

          Was the experience dream like in any way?  No

Describe in detail your feelings/emotions during the experience:  When I found 2 pennies one after the other on the day of JT's ashes scattering, it felt...'right'. As if it was part of our chaotic impromptu burial ceremony. Of course I'd have a sign afterward. But then soon after I felt it might just be a lucky coincidence--still a cool thing to happen, but not evidence of anything.

With regard to finding the 35 pennies at once, I had a moment of happiness but then the sheer oddness of the experience swept through me. It was surreal. My body and mind did not feel like I was dreaming, but this random discovery that I'd half-predicted, half-hoped-for felt like it had to be a dream. A literal WTF moment, as I asked that very question out loud. And then I found myself grappling with the idea--if my dead partner is sending me pennies, where is he sending them from? What's it like for him? Also, if human souls exist, is there a God? Or gods? So many questions...

Was there any emotional healing in any way following the experience? Yes

I feel a lot more confident speaking aloud to JT, telling him I love him, I miss him, and I'm grateful for the time we had together. What's more, now that I realize there might be an afterlife I've also spoken aloud to other people I've loved and lost--this has done a lot to help me resolve some unfinished business with my father, who died by suicide. Now I feel like my dad's story has continued and I'm confident he will or has found healing in spirit.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?          Best part: Knowing my connection with JT continues and goes both ways (it's not just me treasuring a memory). He's not with me physically, but I have hope that many years from now when I myself am no longer physical, I can meet up with him again.

Worst part: Accepting that JT is not going to be with me physically in this life. A handful of pennies from heaven is no substitute for holding or speaking with him.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience? Yes                Describe:     I've gotten more spiritual and grown a lot more interested in the supernatural. I expect other changes may happen down the line, although I'm still recognizably the same person I was before.     

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?      Yes    My Pascal's Wager has flipped: now I figure I might as well believe in an afterlife and look forward to meeting JT again. If I'm wrong, I won't exist to know it! But I still think we should work for justice on earth and not figure that everything will be fixed with 'pie in the sky when you die'. Life in this world matters and we should live it well, and help others to live well.

Did the experience give you any spiritual understandings such as life, death, afterlife, God, etc.?         Yes    I'm confident of two things: There is an afterlife, and people can send messages from it (maybe not all the time, but at least sometimes). And even if that doesn't turn out to be true, I'm convinced that love is a very powerful thing, because my love for JT is what caused me to have this experience one way or another. I'm really glad we were able to know and love each other.

Death Compacts are when two or more living people promise among themselves that whoever dies first will try to contact the other(s).  Have you ever made such a compact?    No

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          No
What emotions did you feel during the experience?          Curiosity--I started reading up more on NDEs, deathbed visions, and even medium communications to learn more about what it's like to die and what happens afterwards.

Grief--as I mentioned, realizing the handful of pennies might be from my partner, but they were all I'd get from my partner, no hugs or conversation or sex or supportive text messages ever again, was necessary to process but really difficult to accept